Monday, January 26, 2004

A struggle within.

My mind has been playing weird tricks on me today. I have been having an inner struggle with some things. I think the devil is working over time trying to get me to push the other way. I said today, but really it has been for several days. Today though, it just seems like he's working overtime. I know what is right and I seem to be rationalizing why I should or shouldn't do this or that. I keep trying to push the rationalizing away seeing as I already know what is right, but it keeps pushing and I don't know what to do.

I really really want to do the things that I am rationalizing yet I know that it would not give me any favour in God's eyes. I can't believe I am thinking these things. Don't worry its nothing serious but today it has over taken my thinking. Wait it is serious, if it goes against God it is most definitely serious. See, rationalizing again!!

You know, I hate sin but at the same time love it. It really sucks. Its more so the things of this world because as I pull myself away from it, I find myself missing some aspects and wanting to turn right back around. I can't lie. This is how I am feeling. I know you can't love the world and serve God. I know so many things as truth and yet I still contemplate and still try to make a grey area where there isn't one. Why do I want to do these things? Why do I struggle? Why can't I focus on God in these times and work toward Him? Why do I find myself wanting to pull away? I don't want to, but I want to. I know I can't go anywhere or do anything without God and yet I still find myself having an inner battle. I could die tomorrow and I want to be with Jesus. So why do I battle. Who is going to win this war within?

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