Tuesday, January 06, 2004


Last night I decided to read my journal. I started last year - Jan 4th to be exact. I was hoping by writing things on paper I would be able to sort through the thoughts in my mind. Besides its always nice to see where you were and where you are now.

So, as I read I noticed that in some ways I grew closer to the Lord and in some ways I grew further away from Him. I noticed also that some things that I prayed for did come true eg: My sister's twins, a church etc.. I also realized that although I hoped for certain things to happen or at least begin to take place, that God really does work in His own time and not mine. :-p

I thought that maybe I had grown or matured or became a little more wise. But I don't think any of that happened at all. Right now I feel far away from Jesus. I know its my fault and I've let silly things come in the way. I didn't devote even half of my time to what I had originally set out to do. I have always been told that I have been mature for my age. But after reading my journal I have to wonder. Sometimes I am just a girl hoping for way more than I have. I have issues. I am a little crazy at times. But I know that I am happy. Its so weird: to want something you don't have and yet be more happy then you have ever been even though you don't have it. Yes, I am strange :-).

I know one thing though: I've learned to love myself even though I am far from perfect. I used to think if I was this way I'd be happy or if I just did this I'd be happier. I've learned that I am happy being just who I am and I am not afraid to be that person anymore. So in that regard I did learn something last year.

Well, reflecting was nice but at times I felt like crying. Memories mostly. But I also said a few times 'why the heck did you do that'. Or it brought back other memories and I wondered why didn't I write about that.

Ok, I'm done with reflecting. I have to head back to work. So, if anyone is reading this have a fantastic super d duper evening!!!

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