Monday, August 30, 2004

Take my life.

It's funny because I came down from my room specifically to delete one of my last entries but I don't think I am going too. Why? you may ask. I don't know, I guess I thought it was more stupid then it was and now it makes me laugh a little. Call me weird. I am. :-) I am glad I wrote some things even if a little bit inside of me says that I shouldn't have. I have sorted a lot of things out in the past few days and I think every thing is going to work out alright. God already knows, I just have to trust a bit more. There is a song that I really like and I just finished listening to it. It goes something like this:

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
Every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You'll do it once more

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to You
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to You, Jesus

How many times have I gone astray
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
Every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You'll do it tonight

written by Mac Powell

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Do I have a twin?

Today I went into Blinds to Go with my mom and the lady swore I was in the store earlier. I wasn't. The girl that she was talking about had the exact same shirt on as I did and her hair was in a pony like mine. Even when we were waiting for a quote another salesman waved at me and said hi. He also thought I was the same person. At work on Saturday a gentleman I was serving swore I lived in Brampton and that he knew me. I had never seen him before. I have had that happen to me more times then I can remember. Do I have a common face or does my 'twin' live nearby? :-) Oooooooh, the mystery continues......

Continued from last entry.

Someone once told me that I let other peoples sins be my own. I take the guilt as if it were I that did it. I think with what I had wrote about in my last entry, I did the same thing. Because I couldn't stop it from happening, I took it on as my own. I felt so guilty and so broken that I let it interfere with my relationship with God. Why do I always have to try to save the world and when it doesn't happen, I crumble? Jesus saved us, I don't need too. And yet, I feel this overwhelming need to help everyone. I care too much. Maybe that isn't such a great thing all the time. I wish sometimes I could just let it go. I let other peoples comments slide. I don't let other peoples bad day ruin mine. I have an understanding side that a lot of people don't have. I don't let people get the best of me on most days and I am always available to listen to you. So, why, when I do take something to heart it totally eats at me? Grrrr.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

So deep.

I have been wondering for a long time why it is that my growth with the Lord has been stunted. While I had a very good and long conversation with two people I realized what the real reason was. Although I told them something else, the real reason haunted me. I know it was God telling me the depths of my heart so I can rectify our relationship. I sat on it for a few days because I really didn't want to believe it.

I guess I just wish that God never answered a pray that I had for him long ago. He fully answered with a yes and a miracle and then one day a few months down the road it was abolished by a person who although tried to convince for their own good that it was the right thing to do, was really being prideful and sinful. Sometimes I am still very mad at this person, and it really has affected my relationship with the Lord. You may ask why but I ask how could you give such an amazing miracle knowing that someone would destroy it? I couldn't understand. I still don't understand. Did God know that it would happen? Of course he did. So why would he go through with the miracle? Maybe it was to show/teach me or others something.

In the end, it made me drift for a time. Mostly because I just can't understand and it wasn't my place to stop what happened although I tried. So, for almost this whole year I have not spoken that much with God. I have had awesome experiences at church and I feel his presence around me but to actually sit there and have a conversation, even if one sided, I have not bothered to attempt. I guess, I blamed Him. But I know there is no reason to blame. Someone sinned and then sinned again and then told me recently that they keep on slipping. I am in no place to judge, but I get really upset when they purposefully are doing something that they wrecked in the first place. And the first person they came to was me. They know how I feel and I do think about it often. But to come to me and expect me to just be supportive I just can not do. How could I? I am sorry I am not going into detail but it is such a hard topic and personal one. I do need to sort out my feelings on the subject though and so I write.

So, now that I finally realized that this is what has been holding me back from fully worshiping the Lord, I can now work on it. So thank you Lord for showing me my stupidness. Right after I accepted what He showed me, He revealed what I think is the path I am to take. I have been asking Him to show me for years and I think He finally has. Which is also weird because He just forgives and forgets. Again I say how does He do it? I have been told over and over that is what He does. He loves me. And never gives up. I really wish I could forgive and forget. And hopefully God will give me the strength too, eventually. All I can say is that God is AMAZING and thanks so much for never giving up on me - one so imperfect and always failing.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Allergy season!

Up until this week, I have been as free as a bird with my allergies. I have had allergies for as long as I can remember. I remember going to the doctor every week getting a shot to help with the allergies that seemed to infest my life. Eventually I thought it a waste of time and stopped going. I used to get really bad allergy symptoms from early spring to late fall. Over the years my allergies have still bothered me but as I got older, they seemed to relax on my body a bit. This year to my surprise, I didn't have any symptoms at all until this week. Now my head feels like someone is continuously hitting it with a sledge hammer, my eyes are so puffy that it feels and looks like I have been crying for days, my sinuses feel like I have the worst flu of the season and my throat is scratchy. I seem to not be able to get rid of the thirst sensation. So I continuously drink even though it hurts. And of course I can not stop sneezing. So much for growing out of my allergies. But I can look at the positive aspect - at least this only happened once this year in late August and not the whole allergy season.

I am not one for taking meds. I always fight it out. But I have given in-my mom just handed me some benadryl.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Holy Moly, it has been a week!

I didn't realize that I haven't even written for a week. Shame on me! :-) Mostly I haven't picked up the pen(so to speak) because I don't know what to write. I have been having more fun this summer and doing a lot more than the past few summers. My mom says its so great to see that I am never home. At first I was wondering what did she mean by that but then she explained that its great to see you so up and out all the time. I didn't even notice. But I guess when you are busy you don't realize it until someone points it out to you. The great thing is, it is fun busy not stress busy.

Next week is Skye's birthday. And after we celebrate that we are off for our last camping trip of the year. Matthew is very excited about that. When he found out that we went camping without him last time he was more upset than I expected him to be.

Well, I have been learning a bit about myself this summer. Hopefully this means some changes are to come. I have noticed that me being busy has left out the most important thing in my life. I want the desire back and I want to refocus my life in a different direction than it is going. Being busy is great, hanging out with friends is great, being in the great outdoors is great. But really, what's the point if my focus is off and not in the right place. Anyway, I have probably confused you and I will continue to do so. :-) So, for now I will stop. More on this and other topics to follow in the coming weeks/months.

P.S. Awesome baseball game last night. We won 22-21. Sounds scary but it was a really tight and exciting the whole game. Luckily we came out on top.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Rafting pictures!

I finally got a chance this afternoon to put up some of the pictures from my rafting trip. You can check them out here. I had a great time. The photo's don't really do justice to how much fun we were having. And I had so many photos I didn't know which ones to put up. But I weeded them down to give you a sense of each day.

I got to run and get ready for baseball, have a great day. God bless you!

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Our first meeting!

So, my work had our first staff meeting. We have been open for over 3yrs now and they finally decided it was time. The meeting was better than I expected. They served us a hot/cold breakfast. Then we had to go through the numbers. It's interesting to find out that our store is ranked #2. We also got to win some prizes. And surprisingly I won one. I won a cordless phone. Which is good, because we really needed one. We also had a motivational speaker join us. I am sure no one knows him but he sort of coaches the Toronto Argonauts and holds a few records in the CFL. If you don't know who I am speaking of, where have you been? The infamous Pinball Mike Clemens. He really is a great guy. Very energetic, very happy, positive. So, all in all the meeting was good. The talks were good. And I won something. :-)

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Back from whitewater rafting!

Went whitewater rafting. Got back on Sunday at around 1am. And my life has been non-stop until this evening. So, I figured this would be a good time to catch up.

Rafting was really cool. The first rapid was the scariest, only because I didn't know what to expect. By the third rapid, all I wanted to do was fall out. :-) The first day of rafting was on a 12 man raft. We had really cool guides, which definitely helped too. On the second day we rested. Played beach volleyball. Two from our group went bungee jumping. I thought they were a bit crazy, but it was for free and after watching them, I have to admit, I was a little tempted to do it too. Just a little though. :-) The third day we guided our own 6 man raft. That was a lot of fun. Melissa and I got knocked out on the first rapid. Which was pretty awesome. On the third rapid, we had the choice of staying dry or flipping. We chose to flip. The three guys in our boat fell out and the three girls stayed in. Then we body surfed the rapids which was by far one of the best parts of the whole trip.

I took some awesome photos. I am just trying to finish off the last roll before I take them to be developed. By the end of the week, you will get a chance to experience a little of my trip. I had a great time. We are planning on doing it again next year. I already can't wait. I just hope the weather is better for us the next time around.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Matthew's home and I'm gone again!!

Matthew got home on Sunday. I was so excited, as was Skye. We rushed outside to meet him and he jumped into our arms. What sucked was, on Monday, I worked 12pm to 11:30pm. So, I took the rest of the week off. It felt really good to be home today and just spend some time with my children. Especially since I will be going away from them on Thursday. Yes, on Thursday. That does suck but it will be so much fun. I am going whitewater rafting with some friends, 24 of us actually, with Wilderness Tours. I am both very excited and sad at the same time.

So, tonight I am going to try and get a good nights sleep, as well as tomorrow because after that, I don't know how much sleep I will be getting. Probably very little. I won't be back until Sunday night so to all who read this, have a wicked weekend, 'cause I am planning too. :-)

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Check them out!

I finally got the chance to put the pictures from our trip up. Check them out here.