Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Acrylic painting.

I joined an art class. The first class was this evening. I had butterflies all afternoon. See, I haven't been to a class in quite awhile, but I think I was more afraid of what was to happen in the class. I have never been in a structured art class before. I love art and I think it is going to be fun. I just needed to get over that first class. And I did! Yippeee!! It actually was nothing to be afraid about. It went well. People are great! I am more into sketching with pencil or pastels, and I am now venturing into acrylic painting. I really hope this is going to help my creative side. I've sheltered it and shelved it for far too long. So long live the paint brush and hopefully my artistic side. (I feel like jumping with one foot in the air) Have a great night everyone! :-)

Monday, September 29, 2003

And so I look like a famous actress!

Apparently everyone thinks I have a remarkable resemblance to a famous actress. A few months ago a co-worker pointed it out. I thought he was just pulling a prank. But last week when I was getting a drink order from a customer he said the exact same thing and instead of getting a drink order that takes two seconds we had this discussion about my 'amazing resemblance'. And so of course I had to ask some of my friends if they saw it too and once I mentioned her name they were like 'Absolutely', 'Oh my goodness, yes', 'Wow, you do look so like her'. And last night my sister had some lady over which I have never seen before and as I was telling my sister about this story the lady interrupted before I could say the actresses name and she said 'Absolutely, the whole time I was sitting here, I was thinking that you look like her'. So, of course I am looking in the mirror and wondering if these people are blind because I don't see it, but can that many people be wrong? So apparently according to everyone but me I look like...Jodie Foster!


I just finished reading a book called Flabbergasted. It is a book that I never thought I would pick up let alone buy, but I did. It was about a guy who moved to a new state to be closer to a girlfriend but when he got there she dumped him. He makes a new life there and soon finds that the best place to meet girls is at church. Having not been to church in years he takes a stab at it. Its about his adventure - which surely ends up being about God. And where he thinks his life is going may not be what God has in store for him. I actually laughed out loud quite a few times when reading this. It definitely was a good read, easy to get into and it is partially based on true stories from the life of the writer Ray Blackston.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

About last night.

My first supervisory shift went very smooth. It seemed as though most of my co-workers were actually happy for me. I wasn't completely sure as to their reaction, that was mostly what I was afraid of. So, I am glad that first shift is over. As far as I have been informed I will be doing it on a part time basis, which for me is great because I can still serve and make money and supervise when need be. And who knows about the future. I am still waiting on God for that one!

Patience: Across the arc of a life lived in faith, it allows the Almighty to be all-mighty. Ray Blackston

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Have you ever...

Have you ever had a conversation where you were trying to talk to someone about something important and they change the conversation and it ends in an argument? Well, that is what just happened to me. I am very upset. Its kind of funny because I talked to the same person yesterday and we had a great conversation. The thing I find so distasteful is that this person called me back and left a 'message' and now I am really upset. I called back and of course the cell phone is off. Firstly, I do not like arguements, I don't like ending anything on a bad note, being adults and talking about things is the way I like to do things, and now I have to go to work - to top it off its my first official supervisory shift which I am excited and scared about!

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Yippee, I had the day off today!

I had the day off today. I am so glad because not only has it been ages since I've had a day off besides on a Sunday, its in the middle of a work week. It felt so good to just relax at home. So, today I was able to both drop off and pick up Skye from school-which was so nice because I haven't picked her up since the first day of school. I took Matthew, well actually he took me for a bike ride. We went to the park. I helped Skye with her homework, I made dinner(which my mom appreciated very much), I even did my laundry. Productive yet relaxing day. I need more!!

Monday, September 22, 2003

What would Jesus approve?

I went to a concert on Friday (see post below) and I had a great time. But now I sit here in my room wondering if Jesus would have approved of it. Did I serve any real purpose in going besides having fun and going a little crazy for a night? For awhile now I have been struggling with forms of entertainment which I briefly discussed in a previous blog. My pastor had said something at a service regarding worldly things, including movies and music. Did I really just push myself a little more into the world by going to a concert? I know it didn't hurt anyone by me going. And I know Jesus would want us to have fun. But are these the sorts of things we should be wasting our time on?

I found out last week that my favourite tv shows are starting this week - The West Wing, CSI, and ER. You don't know how excited I got. And for what, really? Its not like if I never watched them again that I would feel like I'm missing something. My friend Nadine used to be a tv addict. She use to have so many shows a week to watch that all her spare time was watching the shows she taped. I know I am not like that, and thank goodness she isn't that way either anymore. But where do we draw the line on entertainment. Is there a line?

I absolutely love movies. I have an extensive collection. I go to the movies almost every other week. Why do I feel the need to waste my time watching 'worldly' movies? I am not a music freak. I rarely listen to the radio and when I do its usually to listen to a sermon. But I do enjoy music. Mostly christian and new country.

Is it unrealistic to give up all worldly things? Especially the things we enjoy most. How do we do it? It totally surrounds us. I wish I could move into the country and have a peaceful, quiet country home in which to raise my children away from the distractions of the world. But I know that is unrealistic too. We would always find something to distract us no matter where we are. We need to live for Jesus and we need to start right now. He could be coming any day now, we don't know. So why do we always put off until tomorrow to do the things we should be doing today. We all love excuses. We use them more than we would like to admit.

Truthfully, all I want is to live for Christ and if that means no more of the things I find pleasure in doing well than I don't want them. I know it is so hard and will be hard at first. I used to always pray for a husband, one whom I could love like Jesus loves, one whom could love me as Jesus loves, one whom we could live each day for Christ together, one whom would love my children as their own and teach them as a Godly father would. I don't think that is selfish of me to ask God for this. I believe that He would want this for me as well. But as of tonight I will change my prayer. I will pray to be more like Jesus, to follow in His footsteps, to learn to love as He loves, to have an intimate relationship with the Lord, to have fellowship with Him, to seek more of the Spirit, to strike the desire in my heart to long after Him, to be on fire, to do His will for my life. Jesus is all we need. If we seek Him and desire only Him then He will give us the desires of our hearts. I haven't been doing that, I admit it. But as of today a new desire for Jesus has begun. This is my vow.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Keith Urban.

Pamela and I went to the Keith Urban concert last night at Copps Coliseum in Hamilton. It was absolutely amazing. He started the concert with his new song 'Who wouldn't want to be me', which of course just rocked the stadium. He is not only an amazing singer/songwriter, he plays the guitar like a god(so to speak) and he is completely sexy. Wow!! We had pretty good seats, but half way through the concert Keith Urban encouraged us to come down in front of the stage and of course Pam and I did. We ended up right in the front. Carolyn Dawn Johnson and Jimmie Rankin performed as well. At the end of the concert they stayed in front of the stage for autographs. I don't care what you all think of country music but going to one of these concerts is so different than any other concert I've ever been too. It was intimate, they had fan interaction, autographs etc.. Something about these artists that other big stars don't have. They seem to genuinely care about their audience and take the time for them. It was amazing. When we got back to Pam's house we couldn't even sleep, we were so high from the energy at the concert. Pam got CDJ's and Jimmie Rankin's autograph and I got one of Keith Urban's guitar picks. I know that it doesn't mean much and they will probably sit in a drawer but it was pretty cool last night. I can't wait til he returns for another concert.

Monday, September 15, 2003


I just finished watching the season premiere of Everwood. My mom got me watching it a bit last season and it really is a great show. It was quite touching tonight. Yes, I cried. I seem to do that.

One thing that I really don't understand in myself is my emotions. I guess we all have wacked out emotions at times but I feel mine are different. I will cry when watching a touching movie or tv program, or if I'm listening to the radio and a touching story is told, or if someone is expressing their emotions to me. But throw me into real life and I can't cry. Why is that? I still haven't cried since my grandfather passed away in May. I seem to be able to put myself into the situations on tv and the like and cry like a baby. In real life I don't know why I can not. Everyone around me at my grandfathers funeral was crying or bawling, I just held my sister, my cousins, mom, aunt. The only time I almost cried was when my daughter found out and I was scared for her.

How is it that someone can get so emotional over someone elses stories but not their own? I used to cry. When I found out I was having Matthew, oh my goodness did I cry. When Jason and I went through our trials I cried, when Shawn left I cried for almost a year. I would just start crying at work, it was crazy. And now, I don't know. Have I shed all my tears, no.

Today as I was organizing my words for prayer, I felt this overwhelming need to cry to God, as I started saying the words and expressing myself to God, I couldn't. Is their something wrong with me? My mom says I am very emotional, a lot of the time I am driven by my emotions.

I read a story last week about the guerilla wars in Africa and I was heart broken. My sister told me about her battles with her past/present and I tried hard to hold back. Am I living my emotions through others lives? Maybe I am just over emotional right now and just exaggerating. Maybe I'm just tired of crying over the things that happen to me. Maybe I just have a different understanding then I did before. God is with me now and my life is His and that is ok with me. The only explanation I can come up with is that I know that no matter what I go through Jesus is always there to pick me up and really that is all I need.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

A great weekend!

This weekend was pretty busy, which I love. So much running around for Skye's party which was yesterday. Had a great barbeque. Weather was fantastic. I got to spend time with my sister, Mary, which was great. I haven't seen her much lately. While I was doing the dishes, the lucky ones in the living room where playing with balloons. That being my parents, Alyssa-my neice, Darcy-my sis's boyfriend, and Skye. It was however quite fun listening to them laugh and jump and having a blast. I bought some new fish to put in my fish tank so last night I cleaned out the tank, replaced the gravel and put live plants and such in it. It was pretty gross. So, as everyone was waiting for me so we could play some cards, I regretfully told them to start without me. Which truthfully, really sucked. I love when family comes over and we all sit at the table and play cards or a board game. I definitely didn't plan that very well. My fish tank looks amazing though.

My mom has been bugging me for some time to make her a cd. I thought that I had but she let me know this weekend that it was just not so. So tonight I have been putting together a collection of worship songs for it. This really is a great thing seeing as my mom is not a christian, yet! I am hoping that with the cd will bring about her desire to follow the Lord. I'm not saying that this will happen but the Lord works in mysterious ways. It is fantastic that she wants a christian cd. She doesn't want only one either. She wants a praise and worship and a soaking cd. She confessed tonight to me that she got up today and got ready to come to church with me. I didn't even notice. She said she wanted to come but pulled back at the last second. She actually said that she is thinking about joining me next week. May the Lord work in her heart this week and bring her to a place where she will joyfully praise Him and seek more of Him.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Wacky Tuesday.

By the request of 'Wacky Tuesday' I regret to announce that I will no longer have a link to the site. WT feels that they would like to remain annonymous and is afraid of others, mostly from work reading their personal journal. Therefore if you do not already have WT on your blog roll you will have to find it elsewhere.


Today was a most excellent day. I woke up this morning still wanting more sleep. Got Skye off to school, tickle tortured Matthew, helped him clean up his mess (from days ago), read him a book, had a really nice hot shower, got ready for work, saw Matthew off (Grandma took him for the day), on the way to work listened to worship music, during my break read my bible, had a great conversation about the bible with Koree, witnessed with Vince, had a good venting conversation with Melissa re: yesterday's lovely events, had a good day at work, listened to worship music all the way home, been high on the spirit, fully in love with God, wanting much more. This is fantastic. I have not felt so intuned in a while. I guess when you really make a consorted effort to dive into a relationship with God, things just seem to get in order. Its not always fun but always worth it. Wow, I'm so in love!!!! My heart is burning and I don't want the fire to burn out. I can not express really how happy and grateful and amazed and excited and everything I feel right now. I wish you too could feel it. Wow!!!! Praise the Lord!!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

The River.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin’ as it flows
And a dreamer’s just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what’s behind you
And never knowing what’s in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores……..and

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
‘Til what we put off ‘til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don’t you sit upon the shoreline
And say your satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide……yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

And there’s bound to be rough waters
And I know I’ll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all………yes

I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
‘Til the river runs dry

Written by Victoria Shaw and Garth Brooks

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Another dream last night. This is the fourth.

I had another dream last night. This one was closer to home. I was at a beach of some sort. My family-relatives close and not so close were swimming. I came late. As I was about to enter the water the waves became so big, they kept rolling like I've never seen a wave do, I became scared, it looked like it wanted to swallow me. I decided not to go in and instead went into someones house. Which while I was in there looked and felt like my aunt Carol's except if you actually saw her house it does look like that. But anyway, her son still lived there, which he doesn't now. No one was home so I went into Dale's room(her son) and went to sleep. I woke up to noise. My aunt came home with other family members and they were surprised by no one being home. They didn't know I was there until I popped my head out of the room. When they came into the room they asked how could I sleep in a room that smelt like this(it seemed to have smelt like pot)?! I told them I didn't even notice. They asked me where everyone else was and I told them I had no clue. Next thing we heard was a scream. We all ran to see why my cousin was screaming and when we got to the kitchen there was a dead body on the floor. I was in a bit of shock especially because I slept all night in the house and never knew. Then the dream switched and I was going on a long journey and everyone was seeing me off.

This is different then the other dreams as it involved other family members. The other dreams involved a man who I think I am suppose to meet. One involved this man and I helping the homeless with money, food, clothing and they in turn helped us.

Similarities would be death- which occurred in the other dream, once in a symbol - cemetary. Me going in a different direction than I was going. Me being confused. Me being in two different places. Me being scared.

I don't know if it means anything but I find it hard to believe that it doesn't. This is the fourth dream in less than a month and a half. Maybe they don't have a connection, I don't know.

Does anyone have any input? I am quite confused. I think in some way I am to go through something life changing maybe a journey. Leave one place and go to another. I am not sure what death means though. Is someone going to die, or maybe my old self. And I will become renewed. I never got the answer to that one question in my dream, maybe I am not suppose to know it or maybe that is what the journey entales. The confusion and going in all the wrong directions even though I think I am going the right way is most definitely a sign. Maybe of my life right now.

Does anyone know how to interpret dreams? Does this even make sense?

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Pray for pastors.

I don't have much to say today but I just wanted to share that I had a really great time at church. Every time I go to this church I come away with a sense of newness. God is certainly present. Praise the good Lord in heaven above.
I ask all that read this blog, which probably isn't much, but I still ask for you to pray for my pastor. Pray for revival, pray for wisdom, pray for the Spirit to constantly work in his heart, pray for finances, pray for God to move in other peoples souls, pray for the pastor.
I think that it is of utmost importance for people to pray for their pastor's. They are certainly not perfect and need so much more help than we ever give them. While you are praying for my pastor pray for your pastor too.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Entertainment, good or bad?!

Ok, so now I am officially sleepless in toronto. I just finished watching a movie, which I will not even dare say its name. Firstly, a friend lent it to me 2 weeks ago and I have been contemplating on whether or not I should watch it. I find it strange but good that although some years ago I could watch just about anything and it had no real affect on me, now I can no longer do that. Last week I watched a movie and the graphics disturbed me so much that I had to stop the movie. Today I can still see it. I think that is why I waited so long for this movie. I guess by the title I never should have ever watched it but low and behold I did tonight. Firstly it had no plot, no story and it was very disturbing. I really wish I could take back this last couple of hours. I know that this is going to affect me for some time. Pamela said to me that she feels that watching a movie such as this gives the devil access into your home. While I watched, that is how I felt, RIGHT NOW I feel very dirty. It is quite amazing how I've basically done a 360 on so many things in my life or at least a 180.
I was/am struggling with so many things like what movies are ok to watch, are movies ok to watch, is drinking a sin, same for music, tv, magazines, dancing, going to bars, even karoake, etc.... I could go on forever. And I realize that everything affects you. Everything has an influence. I think it is extremely important as to what you allow yourself and those around you to be influenced by. God allowed for entertainment. It is not necessarily entertainment that is bad, its the type of entertainment that we chose. In reality if it isn't for God than maybe we should be asking ourselves why are we doing it.

P.S. The sad thing is, is that I knew before I popped in the dvd that God was telling me not too. It really is just easier and smarter to just listen. God knows best, why do we always question it. Or more so, why do I?

Friday, September 05, 2003

Men and Cars.

Well, today almost every man I ran into was very gentleman like. They opened doors, offered for me to go first, were very well mannered and the like. This might not be unusual to you, but in Toronto, ok well I live in Mississauga, close enough, this is not the norm. It is very nice to see that some men still respect women and are courtly.

As for cars, at work today a customer came in with his 2003 Ferrari 360 Spider. Just click on Cars, then Today. Wow!! I am not one for cars but man this thing was a beauty. Red with black leather interior. The gears were on the steering wheel, etc... Very nice.

Just a quick one.

Well, I just tried to post something and somehow it wouldn't let me. So I will try again.

Today, I am still tired. I woke up early and went shopping at Walmart. I had to buy some back to school clothes for Skye and I also promised her a camera for her birthday. Thank goodness it was busy at work because I spent way more than I had anticipated/calculated.
I was a bit peeved at work tonight. Not only was I suppose to be the first one cut and wasn't, I swear after the rush, I had three tables in a two hours span. The manager on tonight seems to always do that. He has a fear of cutting anyone because he thinks that at 10pm there is going to be a mad rush of people coming into the restaurant, which never happens. In case you haven't figured it out-I am a server.

Anyway, I am very glad to be home. It is quite peaceful. The only sounds I hear are the fan, the fish tank and my typing. I think I am going to get ready for bed now so have an awesome night. Peace and blessings to all! G'night!

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

A little more indepth than usual.

I was told today that although some of my comments to others are indepth, my blog only touches the surface of my life. This bothered me a little but when I thought about it, she was right. I seem to only touch the surface of my life and don't seem to go much deeper. Just so you know, I have been having inner struggles just like you have, yes you. Today it seemed to hit me pretty hard. My mind never really seems to stop. Lately though, I have been so busy that I haven't had time to really think about too many things. Well, today it caught up with me.

I was just about to only scratch the surface again, but this time I will go into detail. I have been having issues with my life: god, personal, future, etc... I don't even know where to start, and if I do I don't know how to end.

As for God, I am quite confused. I act like I'm not but deep down I really am. I know I love God more than anything. I want to be a faithful servant but I seem to be struggling with what that is. I see myself sitting in one spot, knowing I need to move forward and yet still sitting. Some things are obvious others are not. I guess I know that once I make that full commitment to jump in Gods direction my life will forever change. It already has, I have gone through a lot with God in my short time with Him. But right now I am surrounded by non-believers, people doing their own things. Not too long ago, I started to drift. Sometimes it seems all too easy. I know God is pulling my sleeve and feel the Spirit moving in my soul. Why do I just sit there? How do I change my mind set to jump off the couch? I have been easily distracted, focusing on anything. Even when I pray lately I find my mind drifting on other things instead of focusing on God. I really hate this. When I went away this weekend I felt so intouch with God, but now I am back in the city-distractions come too easy. My bible sits in the open, usually on my desk and I haven't opened it in over a week. I have analysed my life over and over again and the only thing I can come up with is that God has a plan for me-I want it, I am scared of it, I'm afraid of losing those around me, I see pain, I see rejoicing, I see people not understanding, I'm afraid of losing touch with the world, and yet excited about things to come. I'm confused and I see. I don't know if this makes sense to you. But that is how I feel.

As for my personal life. I guess you could say I feel lonely. I have not had a boyfriend in about 2 years. Truthfully, I just want to find that one person who completes me. Being alone has been good for me too. I have learned a lot about myself and have grown but I do yearn to settle down. I am ready. I'm not really looking but I have been praying. I don't really know what more to say about this topic.

As for my future. I hope for certain things. I have goals that I hope to accomplish within the next year or so. I actually see things more clearly than I have in a long time. I just pray for discipline and wisdom to make the right decisions.

I also wanted to add that I have been having a reaccurring dream. I don't know if it means anything but I've had it three times in the last month. The dream has not been exactly the same each time, but with the same theme. I want to share it with you but I am still not sure as to what it all means. All I will say is that it involves a man and my relationship, death, confusion, disruptions, wrong directions/turns, the homeless, the same man being a hero, and never finding out the answer to a specific question. Confused? So am I. And just to let you know it doesn't necessarily occur in the order in which I wrote it.

I am a little upset, but mostly tired. That is probably where most of this is coming from. I tend to feel this way when I am tired, my emotions run wild, and I do analyse things way too much. The answers are probably right in front of me, my bible is beside me.

A touching story.

Check out a touching story on Randall Friessen's site. Dated September 1. This is the first time I've checked out this site and this story brought a tear to thine eye. Blessings and prayers to his family.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Our camping trip.

We're back. We went camping up north at the tip of the Georgian Bay. We stayed at Bruce Peninsula National Park. This place is unbelievably beautiful. The water is so clear, the air so fresh, the stars so amazing. My sister, Mary, her daughters- Jessica and Alyssa, Lisa, Melissa, my children-Skye and Matthew, and of course me went. On Saturday we went on a hike. It took all afternoon - we hiked up to the grotto, climbed down some cliffs, got lost but found our way back, swam - almost drowned. The water was too rough - Melissa asked a snorkler to guide her back to shore-Alyssa and I followed. We hiked back to the campsite were the kids played at the beach. I must say that at times the terrain was a bit rugged. Being with a 2 year old and an 8 year old was hard at times. They did an amazing job though. At times Matthew was having so much fun he was just hoping from one rock to the next. Its amazing how little fear children have.

The next day we went on a boat cruise to see shipwrecks and then hoped on another boat which took us to Flowerpot Island, where we hiked/ventured for the day. On Monday we stayed in town, Tobermory. We checked out shops, stayed at the marina, watched boats, climbed down rocks to see one of the lighthouses, watched scuba divers, and then headed home.

We really had an amazing time. I plan on going back next year. There is just so much to see and not enough time. Melissa and I also hope to get our scuba diving certification early next spring so we can check out the shipwrecks(fourty shipwrecks in the area), and other grotto's only accessible to scuba divers. When I get the pictures back from developing, I will post them. (If I can figure out how too, that is.)

One thing I loved most was that not only was I with those I love dearly, I felt so in touch with God. I did not have to speak to Him to feel His magnificance, I just kept looking around me and being at awe with His creation. I think we too often take advantage of this beautiful country He created for us. I love camping, because it brings me back down to the simple life, enjoying what really matters, no distractions.

Monday, September 01, 2003

Skye's Birthday

Holy Moly. Skye's birthday was today. In case you all don't know who she is, she's my daughter. She turned 9 today. She is getting so big, I am getting so old. Well, I'm not really but whenever her birthday comes around I feel as though time just passes way too fast.

Love you lots!!!