Wednesday, September 29, 2004

My first cell group.

On Tuesday night I went to my first cell group. There were only three of us there but it was quite an interesting evening. We did a number of things but one thing we did really hit my heart. We put on some soaking music and we sat quietly for 20mins asking the Lord to tell us who we are? What is our identity? We had gone over some interesting topics including Moses-the Lord had been speaking to Laura about Moses and who he was. And we talked about the movie 'The Bourne Identity'. In case you didn't know, it was about a man named Jason Bourne. He woke up one morning on a boat not having a clue as to who he was. All through out the movie he is trying to piece together who he really is. In real life we all seem to do that. At some point or at many points in our life we come to a road and we ask ourselves, who am I?. So this exercise that we did was to ask God who He thinks we are.

I found it both interesting and very scary, that is, His answers. I second guessed what I was hearing and I sometimes said no Lord that is not me. I find that funny, me trying to tell God that is not me. Hello!!! :-) In some ways I want to share what He said but I feel the need to keep it to myself. I did share some of it with Laura and Eleanor though. In some ways I fear that I will end up like Jonah and run away from what God wants me to be, and I am also afraid that I will end up like Jeremiah-nobody listened to him. I know God used both men but I am just me. Why would He want to use little old me? They probably said the same thing too, eh?

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Wow, what an encounter!!

This weekend I went on an encounter. One to refocus my life on God and to be renewed. Wow, what a weekend. There are so many things that happened this weekend I don't even have a clue how to say or even start to say them.

I knew I would come out of the weekend changed but wow......

Where to start, where to start.. Ok, on Saturday we had a twenty minute break so I decided to spend some alone time with God. I went over to some picnic benches, was enjoying the beautiful day with the leaves falling off the trees all around me. I opened my bible to read over some passages that were talked about just previously and all of a sudden a wind comes and turns the pages of my bible. Now you would think, so?! But it isn't so, it's like this: It turned to a page that I was dealing with in my heart, the exact page that I really really really needed to read. And once I read and accepted the answer my bible pages started turning again, this time to something else I have been really thinking about. I read about immersion baptism and how important it was. I felt a conviction on my heart and I knew it was time. I looked over my shoulder and the perfect place was there. The outdoor pool. I have always wanted to be baptized outside and now it was time. I went to my leader and said 'Is there an ordained pastor here, I need to get baptized right now' she said 'Yes, I will go and speak to them' she came back and told me that because the day was so busy that tomorrow they would definitely do it'. I was a little disappointed but I figured I had waited this long, what is one more day. Then, not even an hour later the speaker made an annoucement and said that they would be baptizing anyone interested at 3pm today. My heart was rejoicing. I can not tell you how excited I was to finally be doing this. This was awesome. So 3pm rolls around and now I have huge knots in my stomach, I feel like I am going to have a heart attack, I feel the Spirit pressing on me and I walk into the pool. It was absolutely the best feeling in the world when I sunk in the pool but moreso when I came back up. Awesome!!!!!!!! Three others were baptized that day. And somehow we all formed a bond. Jay, one of the ones who were baptized had a friend take pictures of us. He said he was going to email them, so as soon as I get them they will be posted for the world to see. :-)

That same afternoon and evening the Spirit showed me things in my heart that I had been holding on to. Things that have been holding me back and things that have had a grip on me for so long. Things I didn't even know was there. It was amazing. He did wondrous, awesome things in me. I let go of so many demons in me and cast them to hell. The Holy Spirit filled me with such peace. My heart was burning all night. Today He continued to burn my heart. He was working overtime in me. I don't know all of the things that He healed me of, but maybe I don't need to know it all.

We went through a fire tunnel today. I don't know if any of you know what that is but it is where the elders stand face to face and you walk through them as they lay hands on you and pray for you. It truly is an awesome thing. I went through the tunnel twice. God's presence was so there. I wanted to stay in His presence forever. I am still in His presence and I don't want it to ever end.

An elder named Mel prophesied over me. I have never been prophesied over. It was both amazing and scary. I trembled and I cried. I accepted and I over came the fear. Something which normally never happens. But I know that God the Spirit took my fears away and I am ready to face what it is that I was born to do.

Awesome, awesome, awesome, amazing, wondrous, glorious, precious, merciful, giving, loving, Father I have. I knew it in my head, but now I know it in my heart!!! Father thank you so much for pressing this weekend on my heart.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Focus, focus, focus.

Well, I just finished packing. Where am I going you may ask? Actually, I finally decided it was time to go on a Christian retreat. I have been wanting to go to this particular one for almost a year now. Fear seems to get the best of me, but when God revealed some things to me and such I realized that I had to live up to my end of the bargain, hence getting things in order for school and refocusing my attention on the Almighty One. I have felt in my heart that it was time to get back on track for a while now but never really bothered with any steps to get it going. Meeting with Laura helped me realize that God is there for me. God cares and loves me deeply. I know this in my head but my heart seems to not want to except it most days. This is what this retreat is about. I really hope God does great things in my heart this weekend. Anyone out there that would like to pray for me? I would love that.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Jeff Foxworthy on Ontario

This was too funny not to post. If you are from Ontario you will have no choice but to laugh. But I am sure that other provinces can relate just the same. I can relate to more of these than I would have thought. :-)


Jeff Foxworthy on Ontario:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Ontario.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Wawa is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Ontario.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Ontario

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Ontario.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Ontario.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Ontario.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Ontario.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Ontarian when:
1. "Vacation" means going South past London for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means London .
11. Your 1st. of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Really great day.

Just got in from a date with Melissa. Not a real date, silly! :-) I had a really good time. We went to see 'Wimbleton' and then went for coffee. We had a really good conversation that I wish could have lasted longer, but if you notice the time, it was getting pretty late. I really hope we can do this again really soon.

I also went to the admissions department at the college that I hope to attend in January. It's looking very real now. And I am getting pretty excited. I am still waiting on a few people to get back to me for reference letters and such but if it's God's will everything will come into order. I guess I am just a bit anxious to start the proceedings. It looks like it is definitely going to be fun. Hard work, but really cool. I will be taking a lot of Theology and Psychology courses. Did I say I can't wait yet? 'Cause I can't. In the end I will wind up with a Bachelors in Christian Counseling degree.

And I meet with someone from a youth group today. We actually never met before and after talking on the phone once, decided to meet for dinner. We had a very indepth, intimate conversation about our salvation and such. It was awesome. We really connected. This weekend I will be going on an encounter weekend with her.

I think I am finally coming out of my shell. Baby steps, but important ones. I have been wanting to go on an encounter for about a year now and never gotten up the courage to go. Here I am, finally going. Laura, the woman I met for dinner, is head of a bible study group. They actually call them cell groups and I will be attending a meeting too. Something I have also been afraid of doing. It really feels good to finally be going in the right direction and not being so afraid. Letting God take away my fear is really awesome.

Anyway, it's late I really need to get some sleep. So g'nite y'all.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

The flea market.

Today I went to the flea market. I haven't gone in what feels like years but when my parents invited me along, I just had to go. I spent way more money then I was hoping but I got this really cool sword set. I have said before about my fascination with Samurai, well today I saw these really, really neat Samurai swords. It came in a set of three. Their handles had a dragons head on it and when you took the swords out of the sleeve there was a carving of a dragon on the blade. The symbol for dragon which looks sort of like the mathematical number of pie, was also engraved on the blade. I was born in the year of the dragon. I have always wanted to collect swords. So, today I started my collection. It really is bad because sword collecting can be very costly. But I don't really buy things for myself except movies, so I don't feel too guilty for doing it. :-)

I also bought Skye a charm bracelet and two charms. I couldn't really find anything for Matthew though. He didn't seem to mind. But when you buy for one and not the other, you feel bad.

I can't stop taking the swords out of their sleeve. They really are very cool. Now I just have to find a high enough place to display them so the little kiddies won't touch them. They are pretty fascinated with them too.

My parents got some really good deals too. They bought two huge pictures for the living room/dining room for only $225. In stores they would run you up to $400 and they go perfectly with the rooms. My mom also finally got a canister set for the kitchen. She has been looking for a really nice one for awhile now, and she finally got one. My aunt and uncle bought Toronto Maple Leaf track suits 2 for $50. They talked the guy down. In regular stores they would run you up to at least $80-100 or more. My brother got one too.

All in all it was a good day: too much buying, too much stuff, but really good deals that we couldn't pass up. We didn't even get through the whole flea market either. Oh, no we'll have to go on another trip!!! :-)

A perfect love.

if we are waiting for anyone other than God to complete us it'll never happen. no one can love us enough... we and they may think or hope it'll happen but it won't. if we are waiting for a perfect love... there is only One and we already have it. we can't lay our need for fulfillment at another's feet because no one will ever be able to completely fill our need but God. we will never be perfect enough for anyone to love us so completely as God does. we may love others and we may be loved by others but only God loves us so completely as to allow us the freedom to know utter joy solely in our relationship with Him. God created us to need fellowship with others but He created us with a deep need for Him and until we realize that, believe it and accept it that only He completes us we will long for someone to complete us and be left wanting... i have Him, i know He completes me and yet i want more of Him... at times my longing for Him is like a sweet agony... He fills me up and my heart is bursting with joy...

This really got me. I know it is the truth and I have known it for a long time. Now, I just have to start believing it.

To love.

To love is nothing,
To be loved is something,
But to love and be loved is everything.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

A double blind date.

So, I went on a date last night. It was a double blind date. It was a bit weird. I've never been on a double date. I have however been on a blind date and that ended up being a 2yr relationship.

We went to Jack Astor's for some drinks so we could talk and get to know one another. Jaime and I couldn't wait til it was over. There wasn't any connection there for either of us. It was funny but we both thought that we were there with our sister's boyfriends. They were a little bit older than us but we felt like they were even older than that. I don't really know how to explain it. They seemed so much older and they acted like they were younger. Ok, I'm confusing myself now. I know what I am saying I just don't know how to put it to words.

Anyway, I finally cleaned my car. It has been so dirty from our camping trips and the like. I really didn't feel like cleaning it but once my mom started washing/vacuuming her car, I just had to do it. So, now it looks like new. Except when you wash it yourself, you notice all these scratches and ticks that you didn't realize you had. It's rather annoying.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The first few days of school.

Matthew's first day of Junior Kindergarten was on Monday. It's funny because you don't want your kids to cry and make a fuss about leaving mommy but when they don't you are so sad. All Matthew wanted me to do was walk him to the door. Parents are not allowed to do that, we are only allowed to drop them off at the gate to the playground. I think that because the teacher was there to take his hand and talk to him about painting, he was fine. I am glad he was fine. But this morning he didn't want to leave my side. He followed me around the whole gated area and stayed with me until the teacher brought them all inside. It actually bothered me more today than it did on Monday. I almost cried today. I almost did on Monday but it took so much more to hold 'em back. I know it will get easier for both of us.

And yesterday my brother went to pick up Skye from school and got lost. He left the house at 3:10pm and the school called at 3:50pm wondering where we were. Jessica and I rushed out the door, picked up Skye, explained to the principal what was suppose to happen today and then rushed out to look for Harry. It really was scary.

Although my brother is 31, his brain does not function like a 31 yr old. Because there was complications during the pregnancy and he was 3mos early he is mentally slow. He does carry a normal conversation and he knows direction if showed a bunch of times. Some of my friends have asked me if we are sure he is slow. He can tell you any facts or figures of sports from any year. But for him to get lost is terrifying. So we went up and down streets and finally at 4:20pm we found him. I think instead of crossing the street he turned left. And threw off his sense of direction. So for the next couple of weeks we will be walking together again until he really gets it down packed. The only real reason I want him to know how to get to her school was in case of emergency and if I am running late at school/work. Also, he feels really good about having responsibility. He'll get it, I just have to change the way I've been teaching him.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

This past weekend.

This weekend has been very tiring for me. I worked too many hours but made a good amount of money. And today was our baseball playoffs(we lost because of a very controversial call by the other team). So I didn't get any rest on my day off. :-( I actually just got in 'cause after the game, the team went back to BP and grabbed a bite and drink. Played some pool and foosball. Brought me back to the college years. Oh, the memories. :-)

I hit a car on the way out of the parking lot at work on Friday night. So most of the money that I made will probably go into his car. There wasn't very much damage seeing as I was only doing 20kms if that. But because it is his mom's car, who knows what will happen. He hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Last night, even though I was exhausted and my feet were burning, my friends and I went Country Line Dancing at Nashville North. It was so much fun. We didn't really know how too but trying to learn was a lot of fun. And after 1am they had regular club music on. So we had the best of both worlds.

Tonight I am just going to chill on the couch. Stay off my feet and get some rest.

Thursday, September 09, 2004


Went out with Melissa last night. I haven't seen her since our rafting trip. It was so great to chat with her. I had lots of fun. We also saw 'Collateral' starring Tom Cruise. I heard a lot of mixed reviews about it. I do think Tom Cruise is very talented but this movie didn't do anything for me. Melissa enjoyed it, but I guess because I am a movie freak :-) I analyzed it to death. There were just way too many holes in the story and it was too unbelievably stupid. The acting especially by Jada Pinkett Smith impressed me. I have never really been fond of her but in this movie she showed me something she hasn't before, which is her talent. That was harsh but I am just being honest here. If you are just going to see it because you like action/drama type movies then I guess you'll enjoy it like Melissa did. But she did say that after I had mentioned all the things that bothered me about it, she couldn't help but agree with me. Like I said the acting was good but that was about it. Had potential, had the budget but like always Hollywood looked over way too many things.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

First day of school jitters.

Skye's first day back to school was today. This year she went to a new school and when we arrived, even last night, she was so nervous. I can recall the first day of school. Every year I would get major butterflies in my stomach and not want to go. Of course I went and everything was fine. When I finally left her in her classroom she had this terrified look on her face. I was anxious to know how her day panned out. She made some new friends (as I knew she would) and she likes her teacher. Hopefully this is a good start to her grade five experience.

Matthew has his first meeting with his teacher on Thursday morning. Monday is the day that he officially starts junior kindergarten. I really hope he will be ok. I really hope I'm ok.

They really are growing up too too fast. Where does the time go?

You are beautiful.

"...God tells you he loves you with abandon and you don’t believe him. Because you can’t. You know your own depravity but you can’t admit to yourself your own worth. You can’t tell yourself you are beautiful, you are talented, you are special; because it hurts inside, it feels dirty to tell yourself such blasphemy. It seems wrong.

And God watches you and I know he must cry. He longs to love you completely, sensuously, with abandon but you don’t get it. You may understand it, believe it, but you don’t get it. I don’t get it."

Taken from Fallen Saints Part 4 at Scott's site. A lot of what he has been writing about touches home. Probably for most of us even if we try to deny it.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Our last camping trip of the season!

We are back from our camping trip. The last one of the year. We trekked up to Grundy Lake Provincial Park - which is actually only about 40mins north of Parry Sound. It was a beautiful park. We went on two trails. One was the Beaver Dam Trail which was 4kms long. We did not see any beaver dams or beavers but we did see some frogs and turtles. It was a bit too long for Matthew. But he survived it. Although Skye and my ears were hurting a bit from the whining. :-) The other trail was the Swan Lake Trail. The park actually has two swans visit them every summer. We didn't get lucky enough to see them though. This trail was only 1.5kms long, so Matthew was happy. The beach was beautiful. And they had a raft that you could swim too. Which made swimming a lot more fun for all of us. On the second day Matthew finally jumped off the raft. He was too afraid on Friday. But after I threw him in he was too excited not to jump off. He was more excited that he could swim and stay above the water. (He thought he would drown even though he wore a life jacket. :-) But he is over the fear and happy to jump in the water. Although we had a good time, we were all happy to see the Welcome to Toronto sign. I think we are all camped out. Luckily we don't have to think about camping until next season. For now it's books and school.

Going away really clears your head sometimes. Looking up at the big cluster of stars and smelling the wood on fire really does something to me. I love it. And I couldn't help but clear up some thoughts that were clouding my head. I do know that I write sometimes in this blog without first thinking it through and jump to conclusions, sometimes more then once. I wish I could erase the last few entries because most of the thoughts were jumbled but what is the point now seeing as they have been up for a week and most likely everyone has seen them. God and I spent some time together. It's really great when He takes away some of the clouds. Things really are looking a bit clearer and I am ready to take the next step that He has shown me. It's funny because at first I was excited and then fear took hold, like always, and now I am going to push through the fear. I am ready to step out into the unknown, I am still afraid but so was Moses when we approached the Pharoah. And what He has shown me isn't half as scary.

Oh, and pictures will be up shortly.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Happy Birthday Skye!!

Today at exactly 4:20pm Skye was born ten years ago. I can not believe that ten years have flown by. It seems like only yesterday I was teaching her the alphabet. We (as in Skye, Matthew and I) watched the video of her birth this morning. It brought back so many memories of Shawn, Skye and I. It was both exciting and a little bit sad for both of us. Matthew was a little upset because I don't have a video of his birth. Try explaining why to a three year old. :-) Anyway, Skye just left. She is having lunch with her father before he heads to work. My sister and family are coming over today for a bbq, cake and of course presents. Skye hasn't stopped bugging since she found out I already had her presents. She did really well this year.

Tonight is going to be busy. Not only are we having birthday celebrations but tomorrow we are going camping. So, tonight we must pack and get ready for it. The kids are excited, so am I. We are going approximately one hour from Parry Sound. So, it will take us close to 4hrs to get to our destination. Long drive with two kids, but well worth it.