Friday, April 30, 2004

I don't know why I am going to say the things I am, but I feel as though writing them might just help me just a little. I have been feeling this major urge to cry over the past few days. I feel as though so many things are building up inside me and I don't know what to do. I feel very lonely. I haven't had a relationship in two years and my birthday is in a month. I am going to turn 28 and you would think that if I were turning thirty I would panic. No, I am panicking now. I wanted so many things to happen before I turned thirty and as I look at my life I see nothing. I have two wonderful beautiful children who truly brighten up my life. Maybe I am greedy but I want more. Who would have thought that I would have two children, not be married and living at my parents house when I turned 28? I look at my job and think, what if someone I went to school with came in and saw me. Why do I care what others think because majority of the time I don't but I seem to be afraid of so many things. Do you know that I am so afraid of so many things that when I start something I don't finish it? I went to college because my whole life I wanted to be a police officer. All through college I had my ups and downs about it. My boyfriend didn't want me to be one, because of the risk factor. When I finished, actually I didn't even finish college. I still have one more stupid credit holding me back from my diploma. I tried to take a course online to finish it quickly and the professor didn't care that I couldn't get books even when I ordered them and he wouldn't give me a credit or allow me to drop the class. So my average of course dropped. I was so gung ho to finish and start my career but when that happened I thought maybe that was a sign. I also worked with cops and saw their home life and I didn't want that. So, I gave it up. Just like that. I still see it in my dad's eyes, maybe its failure or maybe its disappointment or maybe its the potential that he sees in me. And my boyfriend got so mad because I wasn't going to use my diploma. I guess he couldn't make up his mind either. And then he left me after being together for 6 yrs. Its been like, 4 years and you think it wouldn't hurt that he doesn't give a crap about you and you think you've gone on yet every now and then your heart just physically hurts. Like right now. You know I helped my cousin out because that's what I do, I help people whenever they need it and she hasn't called me once since. That just hurts. My closest friend is going through something right now and needs to be alone, or so she thinks and I haven't talked to her in two weeks or more.
I thought I was hearing from God that my pastor needs to move on and go somewhere to do something great. I think I am the one holding him back. So, I stop going to church thinking if I stay away maybe he'll just do what he has to do. I read on Mark's site today that you really have to discern what it is that you are hearing. I wonder if I was hearing God or just doing something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile now. I haven't even been to church in a month. That is probably why I feel like shit right now. Pardon my language. Then I read on someone else's site about body image. And its so true. Do you know that I wouldn't show my picture to someone for 2 years, because I was afraid of what they might think. And then when I finally did, I sent one that you could hardly see. How stupid is that, really? I am who I am. Do you know that I started this blog because I wanted some people to know me better. Luckily it has helped me know myself better.
I have been listening to a radio show talking about Job this past week and you think that it would help me to realize that all is good, at least I don't have to go through what he did. And if only I had that faith, if only. But no, its made me realize that I haven't been one hundred percent honest with myself. I hate that. I just want to be me. Why can't I finish things I've started. Sometimes I think its because I'm afraid of success or afraid I might fail. So I don't finish it. You know I applied to Culinary Arts 3 times, 3 and I got in every time. I didn't even go yet. Now that its close again I am having second thoughts. OR should I say quadruple thoughts.
Why do the people I care about don't care about me? Why do I have to be afraid of everything? Why do the people I want to be close to have to be so far away? Why do I have to be such a cry baby? I just want to be loved, I want to stop running. I know I haven't made the best decisions in my life. I know I've made life a little bit more difficult that it had to be. I know that and I am ok with that, I am just not so sure others will be. And from what it looks lately, the decisions I've made in my past will forever make the rest of my life just a little more difficult than it could have been. But I am working through them and I am strong, or at least that's what others think and what I keep telling myself. I know I will be fine and God will not abandon me. I know that if I keep praying He will guide me. Just sometimes it feels a little bit overbearing. Like today. So, maybe I will delete this, or maybe I won't but I am sure glad that the ones who tend to read this from time to time are the ones that I don't really know.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004


You know its time to move on when everyday that you get to work you wonder why you are there. Then you dread starting. Once you start you are fine but as it slows down you really want to be the first one out the door. Well, this is how I have been feeling for about a month now. On Saturday I was so bugged about being there that I said 'If anyone, mostly meaning the managers, piss me off or say something out of line, then I am just going to walk out." Ok, that is not how I respond to things and that is not the type of attitude I have. But lately, I really don't want to be there. I thought that maybe it was the favouritism for certain staff, or the way everyone talks at work(very dirty, very sinful), or how I see people move on, but I don't think it is any of that. All those things have been there from the beginning. I have loved the job from the start but I don't know anymore. Maybe I just need a change of scenery. I am also feeling that itch to head back to school. But that will not be for another umteen months. I have to work and God has blessed me with it so what's bothering me so much? A few people I work with feel the same way. Maybe it is the atmosphere. Maybe it has changed. I don't really think I've changed all that much but I do know I need a change.

I know I shouldn't be complaining because I am able to do so many things that others can't do. I have just been thinking about my life and my happiness. I can't do what I am doing for the rest of my life and I do have dreams of something bigger. Right now I feel I am in the waiting room of God's house, sitting there, waiting and waiting and waiting for Him to show me which way I should go. The waiting room sucks! But I did ask for patience, maybe this is part of it!! I just keep telling myself to remember Job's story.

Monday, April 26, 2004

A package in the mail for moi!

Little bit excited. My mom tells me I got a package in the mail today and that its from Quebec. She says maybe its movies. Me, being silly as I am, wonder why would Columbia House send movies from Quebec. Then when I got home I realized that they were the movies that Matthew was selling over at his site. This is so exciting!! And they came so quickly. Yippee!! I just love getting movies. And now I have just added five more to my collection. Thank you Matthew, for wanting to get rid of some. I just wish that I had gotten to your site sooner because I would have loved to buy some of the ones already sold.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

A story at.....Scott's site.

Scott has this story on his site. It both touched me and made me think about a number of things. He makes some good points at the end. I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. So, here it is:

so you wanna be a ...mailman?
Tony Campolo, tells about a friend of his who made a career change. He says, "Some years ago, a friend of mine went to teach English literature at a state college. He was there for three weeks when he went into the dean's office to say that he was quitting.
"I'm not coming back next week, and I thought you ought to know," he said. The dean replied, "If you walk out on your contract, you're not going to teach here again. What's more, you won't teach anywhere, if I can help it."
Campolo goes on with the story, saying: After my friend left his job, his mother contacted me by phone and said I had to see him. She was sure he had gone crazy and hoped I could talk him into going back to his job.
I found my friend Charlie living in an attic apartment in Hamilton Square, New Jersey. I must admit that his apartment had a certain style: travel posters all over the walls, a good assortment of books scattered around the room, and the stereo playing a Wagnerian opera. I sat down in a beanbag chair that swallowed me up. After we exchanged niceties, I came to the point.
'What have you done?" I asked.
"I quit," said Charlie. "I walked out. I don't want to teach anymore. Every time I walked into that classroom, I died a little bit."
Campolo says: I could understand him. I'm a teacher, and I know what it's like to go into a class and pour out your heart to students, to let every nerve inside you tingle with the excitement of your most profound insights. I know what it's like to passionately share the struggles of your existence, to lay your soul bare in an attempt to communicate your deepest feelings. Then, when it's all over, some student in the back ofthe room raises his hand and says, "Do we have to know this stuff for the final?" (We have some teachers here who know that feeling! I'm sure Jesus must have experienced that plenty when He was teaching!)
Anyway, Campolo goes on, saying: It wasn't long before I realized that Charlie was not about to go back into the classroom, so I asked him what he was doing with himself these days. He said, "l'm a mailman."
Reaching back into the value system provided by the Protestant work ethic, I said to him, "Charlie, if you're going to be a mailman, be the best mailman in the world!"
He said, "But I'm a lonely mailman. Everybody else who delivers mail gets back to the post office by about two o'clock. I never get back until six."
"What takes you so long?"
"I visit," said Charlie. "You'd never believe how many lonely people there are on my route who had never been visited until I became a mailman. What's more, now I can't sleep at night."
"Why can't you sleep at night?"
Charlie cried, "Have you ever tried to sleep after drinking fifteen cups of coffee?"
Campolo says: As I sat and looked at my friend Charlie, I envied him. He was alive with the excitement that comes to a person doing something meaningful with his life. Because he moved from being a college professor to being a mailman, he has lost status. But what difference does that make? As Charlie invests himself significantly in the lives of other people, his is finding fulfillment in, as Scripture says in James 1:27, 'visiting orphans and widows in their distress."
Is he a role model? Let’s be honest… no way. Ya like all our mom’s are telling their kids – you know, you should quit school and become a mailman… no way, it’s a great story but we want our kids to emulate rich successful people. Every mom wants their kid to be a doctor right?
Here’s a question no one ever asks… why? Why the heck do they want their kid to be a doctor… to help people? That’s the standard answer but its crap. Tons of people help others more than doctors for a lot better reasons... and a lot less money.
It’s security, wealth, status… a lot of reasons.
When we think of role models who do you think of? Tiger Woods/Gretsky/ lady Di?
There is something wrong with a world that has to look to television to find role models/ or professional sports/ or royalty. It’s all wacked.

I find it interesting that so many of us buy into a cultural ideal of success without even questioning why. we succumb to this subtle warping of our minds till we are unable to see the world for what it is. Martin Buber said that there are really two worlds at work in our minds - the phenomenal and the numenal. The world that we perceive and the way that actually is.

i wonder if our radar gets so stunted by cultural morays that we become what we hate. we read the great works of religion and literature, hear the fabulous stories of warriors of long ago and wish we could emulate them... then settle for the thursday special at McDonalds. It's not that i have a problem with McDonalds (except as a food source), it's just that i know in my own life i want to take the path or least resistence, the "no pain great gain" option. I constantly get sucked into the world's molds of success and happiness, then wonder why I am neither...

Saturday, April 24, 2004

A trip......Somewhere.

I just found out that Jason wants to take Matthew for 2 weeks in the summer and although I don't want him to be gone for so long I trust that he will be fine seeing as they did the same thing 2 years ago. This year they are going to a big family reunion in Newfoundland. I know Matthew will love it especially 'cause Jason's grandparents live on a farm. What's more exciting to a kid whose 3 besides horses and cows and chickens.

I will have Skye for two weeks all by ourselves and I was thinking I could take her on a trip, just the two of us. She really wants to fly in a plane, seeing as she has never done so. I told her not to worry because even I, at the lovely age of 27 still have not even been on a plane. So, where should we go? I was thinking of going some place tropical but its going to be really hot here. (Jason is taking Matthew during the last two weeks in July.) Then I thought maybe we could go camping, but that doesn't require a plane. Then I thought I could take her to BC to see the whales and the mountains. Then I thought maybe we could go to the NWT (but when I checked that out, it was extremely pricey. My problem with taking Skye somewhere is that Matthew misses out on whatever we chose to do. But then he is having his own fun, we shouldn't miss out on a mother/daughter bonding trip either. Do any of you have any ideas where we should head to?

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


Did I tell ya, or what? Leafs won Game 7. 4-1. I do have to say that this was their best game yet. And Belfour, what do you say about Belfour. He is just awesome!! And Domi, he didn't get a goal but he sure deserved one. I guess an assist will do. :-) Anyway, they go on to the next round and go face to face with Philadelphia. They really need to step up their game if they want to kick some more butt. I should have bet you Scotty, it wasn't 3-0 but it sure was good. :-)

We will we will rock you, and we did!! Woo Hoo!!


What do you do?

Have you ever let go of something, even when you didn't really want to? This weekend I let go of someone/s because I felt that I was holding them back. I have been praying about it and it seemed to me that God has something big in store for them and I was unintentionally holding them back. They stayed because I was there and they wanted to be there for me. I know they love me and I love them but I don't want to be the cause of them not moving forward in Christ because they feel 'obligated' or moved because I am in 'the picture'.

The scary thing is, I could be so wrong about what I am sensing from the Lord and I could have given up something that was good for me. I just felt that over the last little while, especially after one particular big event that they should be some place else and they were holding back and not fully listening to God because I was there. I don't ever want to be the person that holds anyone back from their true calling so I did what I thought was necessary and ended it. Oh God, I just pray I did the right thing and if not, please help me to correct it!!

About last night, in hockey news.

Just in case you are unsure: Calgary and Montreal move on to the next round in the playoffs. It was a good night for Canada. Hockey wise, anyway. Leafs kick Senators ass. Leafs move on to next round. :-) Ok, I jumped the gun, but that is what I will say tomorrow.


Monday, April 19, 2004

Near heart attack last night!

So the Leafs are doing what they always do. That is, make us all have near heart attacks and drag the series into game 7. They seem to never want to make it easy on themselves or their fans. But the game rocked last night especially the first OT period. Tonight hockey fans are going to be in for a treat. Calgary vs. Vancouver and Boston vs. Montreal. Both games are on game 7 and are being played back to back. I'm so undecided in the C vs. V game but M has to win over B, although my dad wants B to win. :-P

Truthfully, I only care that the Leafs take the Senators down tomorrow. Can you hear it: We will, we will rock you!!!


Saturday, April 17, 2004


I was flipping through the newspaper this morning and I got to the section titled 'Money'. There are not one but a few articles on divorce. One article stated that 31% of marriages in Ontario end in divorce. The same article tells you how to protect yourself financially and states that you should not only use your heart but your head when 'plunging' into marriage. There is also a guideline on what to do when you see the signs of the end.

I just find this to be ridiculous. You want to know why marriages fail: its because God isn't found. People care too much about themselves and not enough about others. The only question that comes to mind is 'Where is the Love?'. The love is with Jesus and if you forget about Him or just choose to not have Him in your life, you will never be happy with anyone or with yourself for that matter. Divorce happens because of sin. Sin in lustfulness, or you marry because of your lustfulness, or you become or always were too selfish, some just give up. Love is about good and bad times. There is no giving up in love. Could you imagine if God said 'I love you but you have disappointed me a little too much lately, you poor unfortunate soul. I give up on you.'

Bottom line is: You need God, without Him you can do nothing!!! But with Him you can do anything!!! Even mend that marriage that most would think is unmendable.

Here are two stories:

First story: A woman was in a physical adulterous relationship with a man in her church. Her husband was not Christian and was verbally not physically abusive to her about her faith. She and the other man discontinued their physical relationship and her 'Christian friends' counseled her to divorce her husband and marry the nice Christian man who loved her because God had called her to peace. The woman asked her pastor and he stated that God hates divorce because it tears people's spirits and covers them with violence (Mal 2:16). And according to the NT the Lord commands a wife not to depart from her husband, and if she does, she is not to marry again (ICor. 7:10-11). The woman mentally listened to the pastor but later he had heard that she had divorced her husband and married the other man. Basically she wanted permission from the pastor to finalize the decision she was already embracing. Her husband had not been unfaithful morally. She wanted a happy life based on selfish interests. The covenant they made with their mate was significant only when it didn't interfere with their own happiness.

Second story: A woman radiates the character of God. She had been married several years and she discovers that her husband was a homosexual. For ten years she lived an unspeakably difficult life. He was arrested for soliciting sex with an undercover policeman and their oldest son got the phone call that his dad was in jail. The woman prayed constantly for her husband. She asked the Lord if she should divorce. She had scriptural grounds for divorce. But she chose to stay and fight. After some time, her husband was gloriously set free and has been free for 15yrs. He is now a very compassionate senior pastor.

The first woman divorced her husband out of a belief that Jesus wanted her to have peace, yet the Word of God clearly showed God's will for her was to stay with him. The other actually had scriptural grounds to divorce, but she chose to lay down her own rights to fight for the life of her husband. Jesus laid down His rights to come to this earth and die for us!! It is up to us to decide if we want to be conformed into the image of Jesus or stay where you are and let God's image in you change.

Stories taken from ' A Heart Ablaze: Igniting a Passion for God' by John Bevere

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Parent-teacher interviews.

Parent-teacher interviews were today. Shawn couldn't make it so Skye and I went. I think it went pretty well. We realize that Skye has organizational and time management problems. I think she has had them through out her school life. She seems to not be able to focus at school unless it has to do with music or art. Mostly because she loves doing those two things. She is an extremely smart girl and for the longest time I thought that she was just bored and then I thought maybe she might have a real problem. She was tested and she is totally fine and teachers say she is so bright. My problem is how do you motivate someone with so much potential to actually smarten up and do their work.

Last month she had two projects to hand in. I didn't even find out about them until two weeks after they were already due. Once I found that out she finished them quickly and she had fun doing them. I really hope that it helped her. Its sounds funny by me saying that but seriously, I think she didn't want to do them because she thought that they were stupid projects and wouldn't be any fun. She enjoyed them. One of the projects she had to do was on the Northwest Territories. She actually wants to go there now. So do I. It truly is beautiful. That will definitely be a vacationing spot for us in the future.

She actually gave me a heads up for a new project that is due in two weeks. Maybe she is coming around. Sometimes it just takes perserverance and making homework fun. I just pray that this was the turn around for her. She has too much potential to just waste it away because she'd rather be playing.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Better late then never!!

I'm a little bit late in hearing about this but I just checked out the new Spiderman 2 trailer. It gave me goose bumps. Its too cool.!! You really have to do yourself a favour and check it out. Awesome I tell you, awesome! You won't regret it!! Click here.

Every day is a good day.

It's a good day for so many reasons. Firstly the Leafs are playing their 4th game against the Senators tonight. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. The weather is in double digits. God has not given up on me. I'm struggling with a few things and I know He is in the process of helping me through them. My daughter managed to get her homework done without me being her shadow. :-) My son is extremely excited to go outside and ride his bike-which will happen within the hour. My mom has been attending church for the last few Sundays along with my sister. I saw a friend that I hadn't seen in over a year. Ok, well, they didn't all just happen today but I do realize that God is doing things in my life that at some point I had thought that maybe He just didn't want to answer. I am learning that God's time is not my time no matter how much I want it to be. His pace is very different then mine. I'm starting to learn patience. Now I do mean just starting, but it is a start. :-) I'm just happy. Happy is good.

I see this guy at work all the time and his life isn't so good right now. I don't think he has the Lord but somehow he always seems to be smiling and he is forever singing. He realizes that life is just what it is and he is content. I think we could all learn something from him: it's your frame of mind that determines what type of mood you are in. I learned that awhile ago and I seem to, at least on most days, be happy with who I am and what God has in store for me. Paul learned to be content and full of joy regardless of his circumstances - something we should all strive for. God is good!!

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. IICor12:9

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Easter Sunday.

Today is the day that we as Christian's set out on our calendar to remember what it was that Jesus did for us and be thankful. I don't know why we do this. I do this every day. Why is it that we have to designate one day in the year for this. Should we not do this daily?

I am extremely grateful and so not worthy of His sacrifice but He did it anyway because He loves me. I really wish I could understand that kind of love. I thought that maybe I understood it a little especially being a parent knowing the love of a child, but after seeing 'The Passion of the Christ' and knowing that He could have stopped it any time and pressed on in love, it just baffles me. I've read it in the bible, I've seen it in movies and I still can't quite get a grip on how He loves me so. I only pray that I can love like that. All I have to say is wow and thank you ever so much.

Leafs win 2-0. Series tied 1-1!!

Last nights game was so good. I went to Jack Astor's with a friend that I haven't seen in over a year. I swear if you can't afford to go to the ACC or just can't seem to ever get tickets or live too far away go to a bar that has an awesome set up of TV's. The Jack Astor's we went too, if I turned right I was staring at 8 TV's and if I turned left I was staring at 10 and if I turned around I was staring at 3 big screen TV's. Plus they had two sets of TV's all over the bar. The atmosphere was great. It was as if I was at a game. Plus they won so that made it ten times better. Yippee!!

Like I said at the beginning of the post, I met up with a friend that I hadn't seen in over a year. We met in college and were best friends until just a few years ago when we both went through changes and moves and seemed to have lost touch. It's funny how that happens sometimes. We communicated over the phone, at first regularly and then it came down to every few months and then only on special occasions. I called her a few weeks ago and what is nice is that we have been talking a little more regularly since then. We decided to meet up and watch the Leafs kick butt and they did. I had a really great time. It was so nice to see her again. And I invited her over for Easter dinner. My family is looking so forward to seeing her again. I hope we keep in better touch this time around.

Just a little shout out to Melissa: I am praying for you. I hope you are feeling better. Happy Birthday!!!

Friday, April 09, 2004

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

So, this was the first movie that I watched since my great return from the fasting world. And let me tell you it was pretty good. Jim Carey was quite amazing. I always knew he could act even though I hated the Ace Ventura movies. Kate Winslet was very good as well. The story goes back and forth from the past to the present. It is about erasing the memory of a particular person or event. And although the concept is a little far fetched in the techno department there is a great lesson to be learned. Erasing some of your past is like erasing parts of yourself. And in the end, the good memories we have with the people that touch are lives are what we want to remember anyway. I'm giving away some of the movie here but once Joel (Carey) starts the procedure of erasing Clementine (Winslet) he realizes that there are just too many good memories with her and he wants so badly to keep them all. But can't. He was hurting so badly he wanted her erased, but realized that the pain of having her as a memory was more important that losing his whole existence with her.

Although I have been through some hard times I would never want to erase them. I can't say that I never wished that they didn't happen but when I look back I am glad that they did. They are what shaped the person I am today. I don't know where I would be without them. And I am sure glad to be the person I am.

The character Mary, played by Kirsten Dunst says this quote while they are in the midst of erasing Joel's (Carey) memory:

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

Thursday, April 08, 2004

The sun is shining.

Yesterday played an interesting day on my heart. I felt something that I have not felt before. Its weird but my heart fluttered for a customer. But not just any customer, an older customer. I wish I could say he said all the right words or something but he didn't. Every time he said my name or asked me something I was dumbfounded. That has never happened. It was so weird. And he must have been about 40. I think I am going insane. :-) But I must admit it was nice to feel something again even if it was whacked. :-)

And today I was hit on by a group of good looking guys. One even offered to take me to a playoff game if he won tickets. (we have a contest that if you use your mastercard to pay for your meal you get two chances to win NHL playoff tickets.) And at another table a guy left his number on the table with a coupon to an AMC movie theatre. I don't know what is going on and I didn't do anything special to myself today. Actually, my hair was up and I wore that uniform that we all love to wear at BP. (sarcastically speaking)

I just find this all strange seeing as this never happens to me. But it was nice even if it doesn't happen again. And the sun is shining. I think I will take a nice walk this evening with my rugrats! :-)

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

A friend.

At the end of my last post I talked a tiny bit about an unidentified friend. I just wanted to say that she called today and we went out for about 5 hours. It was really nice to spend time with her. I think we both had a really nice time. She says that going out tonight made her feel better. I really hope it did. I will pray for her. Please pray for her too!!

Monday, April 05, 2004

For any that checked my blog weekly, sorry!

Sorry, I ended up using the computer time to help my daughter look up some stuff for a school project and didn't feel right using extra time updating.

Apology out of the way, I can officially say that the 40 day period is over for me. Yippee!! Traditionally it ends on midnight, Holy Saturday which is the night before Easter Sunday but traditionally the period only works on weekdays and I went straight through without taking 'breaks' on weekends. So, I am done!

I can watch movies and tv and do other stuff. Great english there, eh? Except today I found myself looking away from the tv. Maybe this was a good thing to give up. Seeing as we humans waste so much time being couch potatoes. Just ask my dad!! ;-)

The past two weeks have been a little difficult. Not for myself but for others around me. My good friend and cousin Pamela was going through some really hard times and I helped her as best as I knew how. Her parents won't really talk to me because I helped her but that is another story.

There was also some secret kept from someone I knew for a very long time. She came to me in confidence and asked some questions regarding it. Just so you know, it wasn't my secret and it was not my decision to keep it from her. She asked and I seemed to have been able to dodge them but I think I didn't do such a good job the last time she talked about it with me. She knows and I think it is all my fault. If the people keeping the secret from her find out I am afraid they will never speak to me again. I am serious. I never agreed with keeping the secret but I kept it out of respect and it was also not my place to say. Truthfully I was cornered but I guess that is no excuse. The secret lasted 23 years. I feel like a complete ass and idiot now.

I talked with my boss today and asked how his mom was doing. (she has been in the hospital for a little while now). He informs me that she passed away on Friday. I felt so bad, I almost cried as he held it together. I wanted to hug him but I didn't. Why do we always hold back? Why can't we just be human and emotional when called for?

And I just got off the phone with, I would say my closest friend right now, and she seems to be going through something and doesn't want to talk. Which is totally fine seeing as everyone goes through things in their own way. Except she seemed to not want to talk to me, specifically. I don't know. Did I do something? I am thinking its not about me and I know its not but I just talked to her on Friday and now she has taken a leave from her work and doesn't want to talk. Space, she needs her space. I will respect her, I will leave her. But if you are reading this, know that I am always here if you need me.