Friday, April 30, 2004

I don't know why I am going to say the things I am, but I feel as though writing them might just help me just a little. I have been feeling this major urge to cry over the past few days. I feel as though so many things are building up inside me and I don't know what to do. I feel very lonely. I haven't had a relationship in two years and my birthday is in a month. I am going to turn 28 and you would think that if I were turning thirty I would panic. No, I am panicking now. I wanted so many things to happen before I turned thirty and as I look at my life I see nothing. I have two wonderful beautiful children who truly brighten up my life. Maybe I am greedy but I want more. Who would have thought that I would have two children, not be married and living at my parents house when I turned 28? I look at my job and think, what if someone I went to school with came in and saw me. Why do I care what others think because majority of the time I don't but I seem to be afraid of so many things. Do you know that I am so afraid of so many things that when I start something I don't finish it? I went to college because my whole life I wanted to be a police officer. All through college I had my ups and downs about it. My boyfriend didn't want me to be one, because of the risk factor. When I finished, actually I didn't even finish college. I still have one more stupid credit holding me back from my diploma. I tried to take a course online to finish it quickly and the professor didn't care that I couldn't get books even when I ordered them and he wouldn't give me a credit or allow me to drop the class. So my average of course dropped. I was so gung ho to finish and start my career but when that happened I thought maybe that was a sign. I also worked with cops and saw their home life and I didn't want that. So, I gave it up. Just like that. I still see it in my dad's eyes, maybe its failure or maybe its disappointment or maybe its the potential that he sees in me. And my boyfriend got so mad because I wasn't going to use my diploma. I guess he couldn't make up his mind either. And then he left me after being together for 6 yrs. Its been like, 4 years and you think it wouldn't hurt that he doesn't give a crap about you and you think you've gone on yet every now and then your heart just physically hurts. Like right now. You know I helped my cousin out because that's what I do, I help people whenever they need it and she hasn't called me once since. That just hurts. My closest friend is going through something right now and needs to be alone, or so she thinks and I haven't talked to her in two weeks or more.
I thought I was hearing from God that my pastor needs to move on and go somewhere to do something great. I think I am the one holding him back. So, I stop going to church thinking if I stay away maybe he'll just do what he has to do. I read on Mark's site today that you really have to discern what it is that you are hearing. I wonder if I was hearing God or just doing something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile now. I haven't even been to church in a month. That is probably why I feel like shit right now. Pardon my language. Then I read on someone else's site about body image. And its so true. Do you know that I wouldn't show my picture to someone for 2 years, because I was afraid of what they might think. And then when I finally did, I sent one that you could hardly see. How stupid is that, really? I am who I am. Do you know that I started this blog because I wanted some people to know me better. Luckily it has helped me know myself better.
I have been listening to a radio show talking about Job this past week and you think that it would help me to realize that all is good, at least I don't have to go through what he did. And if only I had that faith, if only. But no, its made me realize that I haven't been one hundred percent honest with myself. I hate that. I just want to be me. Why can't I finish things I've started. Sometimes I think its because I'm afraid of success or afraid I might fail. So I don't finish it. You know I applied to Culinary Arts 3 times, 3 and I got in every time. I didn't even go yet. Now that its close again I am having second thoughts. OR should I say quadruple thoughts.
Why do the people I care about don't care about me? Why do I have to be afraid of everything? Why do the people I want to be close to have to be so far away? Why do I have to be such a cry baby? I just want to be loved, I want to stop running. I know I haven't made the best decisions in my life. I know I've made life a little bit more difficult that it had to be. I know that and I am ok with that, I am just not so sure others will be. And from what it looks lately, the decisions I've made in my past will forever make the rest of my life just a little more difficult than it could have been. But I am working through them and I am strong, or at least that's what others think and what I keep telling myself. I know I will be fine and God will not abandon me. I know that if I keep praying He will guide me. Just sometimes it feels a little bit overbearing. Like today. So, maybe I will delete this, or maybe I won't but I am sure glad that the ones who tend to read this from time to time are the ones that I don't really know.

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