Wednesday, September 03, 2003

A little more indepth than usual.

I was told today that although some of my comments to others are indepth, my blog only touches the surface of my life. This bothered me a little but when I thought about it, she was right. I seem to only touch the surface of my life and don't seem to go much deeper. Just so you know, I have been having inner struggles just like you have, yes you. Today it seemed to hit me pretty hard. My mind never really seems to stop. Lately though, I have been so busy that I haven't had time to really think about too many things. Well, today it caught up with me.

I was just about to only scratch the surface again, but this time I will go into detail. I have been having issues with my life: god, personal, future, etc... I don't even know where to start, and if I do I don't know how to end.

As for God, I am quite confused. I act like I'm not but deep down I really am. I know I love God more than anything. I want to be a faithful servant but I seem to be struggling with what that is. I see myself sitting in one spot, knowing I need to move forward and yet still sitting. Some things are obvious others are not. I guess I know that once I make that full commitment to jump in Gods direction my life will forever change. It already has, I have gone through a lot with God in my short time with Him. But right now I am surrounded by non-believers, people doing their own things. Not too long ago, I started to drift. Sometimes it seems all too easy. I know God is pulling my sleeve and feel the Spirit moving in my soul. Why do I just sit there? How do I change my mind set to jump off the couch? I have been easily distracted, focusing on anything. Even when I pray lately I find my mind drifting on other things instead of focusing on God. I really hate this. When I went away this weekend I felt so intouch with God, but now I am back in the city-distractions come too easy. My bible sits in the open, usually on my desk and I haven't opened it in over a week. I have analysed my life over and over again and the only thing I can come up with is that God has a plan for me-I want it, I am scared of it, I'm afraid of losing those around me, I see pain, I see rejoicing, I see people not understanding, I'm afraid of losing touch with the world, and yet excited about things to come. I'm confused and I see. I don't know if this makes sense to you. But that is how I feel.

As for my personal life. I guess you could say I feel lonely. I have not had a boyfriend in about 2 years. Truthfully, I just want to find that one person who completes me. Being alone has been good for me too. I have learned a lot about myself and have grown but I do yearn to settle down. I am ready. I'm not really looking but I have been praying. I don't really know what more to say about this topic.

As for my future. I hope for certain things. I have goals that I hope to accomplish within the next year or so. I actually see things more clearly than I have in a long time. I just pray for discipline and wisdom to make the right decisions.

I also wanted to add that I have been having a reaccurring dream. I don't know if it means anything but I've had it three times in the last month. The dream has not been exactly the same each time, but with the same theme. I want to share it with you but I am still not sure as to what it all means. All I will say is that it involves a man and my relationship, death, confusion, disruptions, wrong directions/turns, the homeless, the same man being a hero, and never finding out the answer to a specific question. Confused? So am I. And just to let you know it doesn't necessarily occur in the order in which I wrote it.

I am a little upset, but mostly tired. That is probably where most of this is coming from. I tend to feel this way when I am tired, my emotions run wild, and I do analyse things way too much. The answers are probably right in front of me, my bible is beside me.

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