Monday, September 15, 2003


I just finished watching the season premiere of Everwood. My mom got me watching it a bit last season and it really is a great show. It was quite touching tonight. Yes, I cried. I seem to do that.

One thing that I really don't understand in myself is my emotions. I guess we all have wacked out emotions at times but I feel mine are different. I will cry when watching a touching movie or tv program, or if I'm listening to the radio and a touching story is told, or if someone is expressing their emotions to me. But throw me into real life and I can't cry. Why is that? I still haven't cried since my grandfather passed away in May. I seem to be able to put myself into the situations on tv and the like and cry like a baby. In real life I don't know why I can not. Everyone around me at my grandfathers funeral was crying or bawling, I just held my sister, my cousins, mom, aunt. The only time I almost cried was when my daughter found out and I was scared for her.

How is it that someone can get so emotional over someone elses stories but not their own? I used to cry. When I found out I was having Matthew, oh my goodness did I cry. When Jason and I went through our trials I cried, when Shawn left I cried for almost a year. I would just start crying at work, it was crazy. And now, I don't know. Have I shed all my tears, no.

Today as I was organizing my words for prayer, I felt this overwhelming need to cry to God, as I started saying the words and expressing myself to God, I couldn't. Is their something wrong with me? My mom says I am very emotional, a lot of the time I am driven by my emotions.

I read a story last week about the guerilla wars in Africa and I was heart broken. My sister told me about her battles with her past/present and I tried hard to hold back. Am I living my emotions through others lives? Maybe I am just over emotional right now and just exaggerating. Maybe I'm just tired of crying over the things that happen to me. Maybe I just have a different understanding then I did before. God is with me now and my life is His and that is ok with me. The only explanation I can come up with is that I know that no matter what I go through Jesus is always there to pick me up and really that is all I need.

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