Saturday, August 28, 2004

So deep.

I have been wondering for a long time why it is that my growth with the Lord has been stunted. While I had a very good and long conversation with two people I realized what the real reason was. Although I told them something else, the real reason haunted me. I know it was God telling me the depths of my heart so I can rectify our relationship. I sat on it for a few days because I really didn't want to believe it.

I guess I just wish that God never answered a pray that I had for him long ago. He fully answered with a yes and a miracle and then one day a few months down the road it was abolished by a person who although tried to convince for their own good that it was the right thing to do, was really being prideful and sinful. Sometimes I am still very mad at this person, and it really has affected my relationship with the Lord. You may ask why but I ask how could you give such an amazing miracle knowing that someone would destroy it? I couldn't understand. I still don't understand. Did God know that it would happen? Of course he did. So why would he go through with the miracle? Maybe it was to show/teach me or others something.

In the end, it made me drift for a time. Mostly because I just can't understand and it wasn't my place to stop what happened although I tried. So, for almost this whole year I have not spoken that much with God. I have had awesome experiences at church and I feel his presence around me but to actually sit there and have a conversation, even if one sided, I have not bothered to attempt. I guess, I blamed Him. But I know there is no reason to blame. Someone sinned and then sinned again and then told me recently that they keep on slipping. I am in no place to judge, but I get really upset when they purposefully are doing something that they wrecked in the first place. And the first person they came to was me. They know how I feel and I do think about it often. But to come to me and expect me to just be supportive I just can not do. How could I? I am sorry I am not going into detail but it is such a hard topic and personal one. I do need to sort out my feelings on the subject though and so I write.

So, now that I finally realized that this is what has been holding me back from fully worshiping the Lord, I can now work on it. So thank you Lord for showing me my stupidness. Right after I accepted what He showed me, He revealed what I think is the path I am to take. I have been asking Him to show me for years and I think He finally has. Which is also weird because He just forgives and forgets. Again I say how does He do it? I have been told over and over that is what He does. He loves me. And never gives up. I really wish I could forgive and forget. And hopefully God will give me the strength too, eventually. All I can say is that God is AMAZING and thanks so much for never giving up on me - one so imperfect and always failing.

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