Monday, February 09, 2004

The first time.....

While I watched Everwood tonight, I remembered something's that I wish I could get back, or that I wish didn't happen. Tonight's show was about the first time you sleep with someone. Now, I am not necessarily talking about that specifically but it brought back memories for example: my very first passionate kiss, the first time I felt love, the first time I cried because of love... I actually felt like I was back in time, to those exact moments in my past. I felt the love, I felt the pain.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend and we were talking about marriage. If we had ever dreamt of what it would be like. Yes, we were totally being girls, but in truth I am sure that guys think of these things too. Sometimes we feel that it will never happen, sometimes we feel like maybe, just maybe there isn't someone out there that is right for us, sometimes we feel we will never have that feeling of love again or for the first time. They, whoever they are, say that if you find love once then you are blessed, most people never really find it. I really hope that isn't true. I want to love again. I want to feel that passionate kiss with a new somebody who feels the same way as I do.

It's funny but the first time I actually said I love you to someone, I really did not know what love was. I was very young. :-) I said it again, that time I thought it was real love, I was wrong again. Not very young but young enough. Then I really did feel love and when I did say it, it truly was love. I was quite cautious this time and I really never thought I would actually fall 'in' love. I did. And it was amazing. Of course not every day was a fairly tale but no matter what happened you felt the love and knew it was always there. I lost that love. And I don't care what you say but, that first love will always be there. You can pretend that its gone but really it never leaves. I will always love Shawn, and I hope that in his heart he will always love me.

So, now, here it is: Do you think its possible to find it again even when most people never even find it the first time? I know I could, my heart is huge and although it terrifies me on so many levels I think it is so worth it.

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