Monday, November 03, 2003

Surfacing, dealing, refocusing, and praying.

Ok, so I have been asking God to bring up things that need to be dealt with in my life. Because how can I move forward if I haven't dealt with 'ghosts' of the past. As time has been going on I have been dealing with some issues. But on Thursday I got a huge surprise. Something that I thought I had dealt with long ago, but obviously hadn't.

I won't say exactly because hello I don't know you and you don't really know me but I've been wondering why I didn't see it before. You see I did deal with this issue a while back, but I think my heart has held on to hopes. Hopes I didn't really want to admit. I guess on Thursday, my heart and mind came to the realization that all the hopes that I had been holding on too were not real and that they never were going to be.

It is a little weird for me, because I am thinking that I should be upset or something and yet I am not. I guess Jesus took the weight that I didn't know was there off of my back. It really is amazing to have such a wonderful God who wants to show you real love.

Although I am not one hundred percent comfortable as of yet, I am coming to grips with only having one Man as my lover. That man is Jesus. I have forever wanted a husband but I am dealing with the fact that Jesus wants me to focus on Him and Him alone. How could He provide a husband when I am not completely focused on Him? A husband would only cloud the picture because what does a husband do-he wants to please his wife, and what does a wife do-she wants to please her husband. These are good things but if both of them are not completely focused on Jesus as number one then how fulfilling will their lives truly be?

And so, I am refocusing my energy on Him and am going to stop worrying about whether or not I will be alone. Because I will never be alone. I will have the bestest lover, the bestest friend, and companion ever for always with me, not at my side, in me.

Thank you Father for everything you have ever provided for me. For everything that you have ever blessed me with. For all the trials and tribulations that you put me through. For all the trials that are to come. I only pray that I may display half the love that you showed me when you died on the cross for me. By giving me the Spirit as my helper, as my guide in this life. For preserving the bible as my hand book for life. Lord, keep pushing me, keep surfacing the demons in my heart so that I may deal with them, so that you may deal with me. I pray for peace in my heart. I want to be like Paul - although he was going through 'hell' he felt peace in his heart because of You. I want to trust You as Paul did, actually moreso. I want to totally depend on You and nothing or no one else. Help me to do that. Help me to just let go and let you take full control of my life. In this I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

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