Tuesday, December 30, 2003

A little bit of this and a little bit of everything else!

Ok, I erased the post that I was planning to publish. First I had interruptions, good interruptions. I had a nice talk with my mom. Then my sister called, which I just hung up the phone with. I decided not to post it because it was a bit deep into the heart of Angela and I am not so sure I want to go there. It probably would have been fine but leaving yourself open is quite risky, and I don't want to take that risk right now.

How was everyone's Christmas? Mine was quite nice. We laughed a lot, we stuffed ourselves, we opened presents, we had a great time.

So, I've been thinking about a few things that shouldn't be on my mind. One is about a boy, one is about a friend, one is about death, one is about family, and one is about my career and where I want to go with it. They are all unrelated but I guess they intertwine. I don't know why the boy is on my mind. My friend is a good friend but I see things that could test our friendship coming. That scares me!! Death because someone that I work with-her grandfather passed away last night while she was with him in the hospital. I am not good friends and I don't even think you could call us friends but something like this is very emotional. I think about my grandfather that passed, and my grandfather who is in and out of the hospital right now, my uncle Gary, and my grandmothers. My mom and I were talking about this and I could see that she became very emotional but being a mom she held back. I don't know why we become so afraid or obsessed with death but it is something that we all must face. That is why it is so great having Jesus with me, because my death will not be full of heartache it will be full of rejoicing. It better be!!!

As for family, I have been thinking about my children a lot lately, well I always think of them but I've been thinking about how I could be a better mom, and how I really wish I could have a complete family. But I don't, so here comes the career part of what I've been thinking about. I need to provide for my family. I don't want to live with my parents forever and I really would like a place that the three of us could call home and I don't mind going out and getting it myself. And so I am applying to college. I've applied twice for the same thing already - twice talked out of it by my ex who thought he knew me better than I knew myself, but now I am ready to take the plunge for real this time.

My thoughts are organized and my mind is not troubled. I have issues. We all have issues. Mine are not that bad and I see good and possibly bad things to come. But that is what happens when you really start living. I want the ups and the downs. We learn most from the downs. I want God to test me. I want to become stronger. I want to face my fears. Jesus is with me, and that is all I need.

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