Monday, October 30, 2006

The calm, the storm, and now the leftovers!

For the past few days I think I have felt every single emotion that the human body has. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, scream or hit something, be mad or sad, and sometimes I don't even care. Yet somehow in the midst of all this emotional turmoil God has managed to give me peace.

I just went through something that I never wanted to go through. I told myself that I would never let someone manipulate me again and yet through pressure I allowed myself to be backed into a corner. The bad thing was that in order to get out of the corner would mean to back someone else into a corner. Something for which I did not want to do. Sometimes I want to think that he deserved it, considering he was the one who initially backed me into the corner but for some strange reason that does not give me comfort and I feel bad that the whole thing happened.

I think most of all I am mad at myself for even going on this little venture. He told me before we got together that he wasn't expecting anything and yet in the midst of our conversation he revealed that he was really there for one thing, the one thing for which I never intended to reveal. Sad thing is that we were starting to build a friendship, that I thought we were both looking forward too.

I knew that if I told him what he thought he wanted to hear that he would be shocked and in some ways mortified. That is how I felt when I was first told. I wasn't mortified but I was in complete shock and it took me months and to be honest, longer to actually take it in and allow God to settle it into my heart. So, for him to be shocked was not surprising. But for him to look at me in utter disgust made me want to say things I never would want to say. I felt so mad. I don't even know the last time I felt this mad. I actually wanted to punch something (not someone, just to make that clear). I knew he wasn't at a time to hear what he wanted to hear and besides it was only suppose to be a friendly get together.

The night started out really nice. He surprised me with telling me I was beautiful. He even told me my hair was so long and it was like a cascading waterfall. We went out to eat and at first it was a little awkward but as we started talking the tension in the air eased a bit. Until the dreadful interrogation. At which point I caved and told him. He was shocked, I was freaking out and then as I was putting my jacket on to leave I swear he looked at me with disgust. How could an evening change so quickly?

I truly think it was unfair for him to put me on the spot. To lead me into thinking this was a friendly visit, telling me he respects me and enjoys our conversations and then to do that! What is up with that?

So, now I sit wondering if I ever want to speak to him again, and yet a part of me misses our conversations. I don't know what the future holds for him or I but I do know that I find peace daily in the Lord. The Lord comforts me and strengthens me. And I will depend on Him and Him alone to direct my path.

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