Do I have a twin?

Today I went into Blinds to Go with my mom and the lady swore I was in the store earlier. I wasn't. The girl that she was talking about had the exact same shirt on as I did and her hair was in a pony like mine. Even when we were waiting for a quote another salesman waved at me and said hi. He also thought I was the same person. At work on Saturday a gentleman I was serving swore I lived in Brampton and that he knew me. I had never seen him before. I have had that happen to me more times then I can remember. Do I have a common face or does my 'twin' live nearby? :-) Oooooooh, the mystery continues......

Continued from last entry.

Someone once told me that I let other peoples sins be my own. I take the guilt as if it were I that did it. I think with what I had wrote about in my last entry, I did the same thing. Because I couldn't stop it from happening, I took it on as my own. I felt so guilty and so broken that I let it interfere with my relationship with God. Why do I always have to try to save the world and when it doesn't happen, I crumble? Jesus saved us, I don't need too. And yet, I feel this overwhelming need to help everyone. I care too much. Maybe that isn't such a great thing all the time. I wish sometimes I could just let it go. I let other peoples comments slide. I don't let other peoples bad day ruin mine. I have an understanding side that a lot of people don't have. I don't let people get the best of me on most days and I am always available to listen to you. So, why, when I do take something to heart it totally eats at me? Grrrr.

So deep.

I have been wondering for a long time why it is that my growth with the Lord has been stunted. While I had a very good and long conversation with two people I realized what the real reason was. Although I told them something else, the real reason haunted me. I know it was God telling me the depths of my heart so I can rectify our relationship. I sat on it for a few days because I really didn't want to believe it.

I guess I just wish that God never answered a pray that I had for him long ago. He fully answered with a yes and a miracle and then one day a few months down the road it was abolished by a person who although tried to convince for their own good that it was the right thing to do, was really being prideful and sinful. Sometimes I am still very mad at this person, and it really has affected my relationship with the Lord. You may ask why but I ask how could you give such an amazing miracle knowing that someone would destroy it? I couldn't understand. I still don't understand. Did God know that it would happen? Of course he did. So why would he go through with the miracle? Maybe it was to show/teach me or others something.

In the end, it made me drift for a time. Mostly because I just can't understand and it wasn't my place to stop what happened although I tried. So, for almost this whole year I have not spoken that much with God. I have had awesome experiences at church and I feel his presence around me but to actually sit there and have a conversation, even if one sided, I have not bothered to attempt. I guess, I blamed Him. But I know there is no reason to blame. Someone sinned and then sinned again and then told me recently that they keep on slipping. I am in no place to judge, but I get really upset when they purposefully are doing something that they wrecked in the first place. And the first person they came to was me. They know how I feel and I do think about it often. But to come to me and expect me to just be supportive I just can not do. How could I? I am sorry I am not going into detail but it is such a hard topic and personal one. I do need to sort out my feelings on the subject though and so I write.

So, now that I finally realized that this is what has been holding me back from fully worshiping the Lord, I can now work on it. So thank you Lord for showing me my stupidness. Right after I accepted what He showed me, He revealed what I think is the path I am to take. I have been asking Him to show me for years and I think He finally has. Which is also weird because He just forgives and forgets. Again I say how does He do it? I have been told over and over that is what He does. He loves me. And never gives up. I really wish I could forgive and forget. And hopefully God will give me the strength too, eventually. All I can say is that God is AMAZING and thanks so much for never giving up on me - one so imperfect and always failing.

Allergy season!

Up until this week, I have been as free as a bird with my allergies. I have had allergies for as long as I can remember. I remember going to the doctor every week getting a shot to help with the allergies that seemed to infest my life. Eventually I thought it a waste of time and stopped going. I used to get really bad allergy symptoms from early spring to late fall. Over the years my allergies have still bothered me but as I got older, they seemed to relax on my body a bit. This year to my surprise, I didn't have any symptoms at all until this week. Now my head feels like someone is continuously hitting it with a sledge hammer, my eyes are so puffy that it feels and looks like I have been crying for days, my sinuses feel like I have the worst flu of the season and my throat is scratchy. I seem to not be able to get rid of the thirst sensation. So I continuously drink even though it hurts. And of course I can not stop sneezing. So much for growing out of my allergies. But I can look at the positive aspect - at least this only happened once this year in late August and not the whole allergy season.

I am not one for taking meds. I always fight it out. But I have given in-my mom just handed me some benadryl.

Holy Moly, it has been a week!

I didn't realize that I haven't even written for a week. Shame on me! :-) Mostly I haven't picked up the pen(so to speak) because I don't know what to write. I have been having more fun this summer and doing a lot more than the past few summers. My mom says its so great to see that I am never home. At first I was wondering what did she mean by that but then she explained that its great to see you so up and out all the time. I didn't even notice. But I guess when you are busy you don't realize it until someone points it out to you. The great thing is, it is fun busy not stress busy.

Next week is Skye's birthday. And after we celebrate that we are off for our last camping trip of the year. Matthew is very excited about that. When he found out that we went camping without him last time he was more upset than I expected him to be.

Well, I have been learning a bit about myself this summer. Hopefully this means some changes are to come. I have noticed that me being busy has left out the most important thing in my life. I want the desire back and I want to refocus my life in a different direction than it is going. Being busy is great, hanging out with friends is great, being in the great outdoors is great. But really, what's the point if my focus is off and not in the right place. Anyway, I have probably confused you and I will continue to do so. :-) So, for now I will stop. More on this and other topics to follow in the coming weeks/months.

P.S. Awesome baseball game last night. We won 22-21. Sounds scary but it was a really tight and exciting the whole game. Luckily we came out on top.

Rafting pictures!

I finally got a chance this afternoon to put up some of the pictures from my rafting trip. You can check them out here. I had a great time. The photo's don't really do justice to how much fun we were having. And I had so many photos I didn't know which ones to put up. But I weeded them down to give you a sense of each day.

I got to run and get ready for baseball, have a great day. God bless you!

Our first meeting!

So, my work had our first staff meeting. We have been open for over 3yrs now and they finally decided it was time. The meeting was better than I expected. They served us a hot/cold breakfast. Then we had to go through the numbers. It's interesting to find out that our store is ranked #2. We also got to win some prizes. And surprisingly I won one. I won a cordless phone. Which is good, because we really needed one. We also had a motivational speaker join us. I am sure no one knows him but he sort of coaches the Toronto Argonauts and holds a few records in the CFL. If you don't know who I am speaking of, where have you been? The infamous Pinball Mike Clemens. He really is a great guy. Very energetic, very happy, positive. So, all in all the meeting was good. The talks were good. And I won something. :-)

Back from whitewater rafting!

Went whitewater rafting. Got back on Sunday at around 1am. And my life has been non-stop until this evening. So, I figured this would be a good time to catch up.

Rafting was really cool. The first rapid was the scariest, only because I didn't know what to expect. By the third rapid, all I wanted to do was fall out. :-) The first day of rafting was on a 12 man raft. We had really cool guides, which definitely helped too. On the second day we rested. Played beach volleyball. Two from our group went bungee jumping. I thought they were a bit crazy, but it was for free and after watching them, I have to admit, I was a little tempted to do it too. Just a little though. :-) The third day we guided our own 6 man raft. That was a lot of fun. Melissa and I got knocked out on the first rapid. Which was pretty awesome. On the third rapid, we had the choice of staying dry or flipping. We chose to flip. The three guys in our boat fell out and the three girls stayed in. Then we body surfed the rapids which was by far one of the best parts of the whole trip.

I took some awesome photos. I am just trying to finish off the last roll before I take them to be developed. By the end of the week, you will get a chance to experience a little of my trip. I had a great time. We are planning on doing it again next year. I already can't wait. I just hope the weather is better for us the next time around.

Matthew's home and I'm gone again!!

Matthew got home on Sunday. I was so excited, as was Skye. We rushed outside to meet him and he jumped into our arms. What sucked was, on Monday, I worked 12pm to 11:30pm. So, I took the rest of the week off. It felt really good to be home today and just spend some time with my children. Especially since I will be going away from them on Thursday. Yes, on Thursday. That does suck but it will be so much fun. I am going whitewater rafting with some friends, 24 of us actually, with Wilderness Tours. I am both very excited and sad at the same time.

So, tonight I am going to try and get a good nights sleep, as well as tomorrow because after that, I don't know how much sleep I will be getting. Probably very little. I won't be back until Sunday night so to all who read this, have a wicked weekend, 'cause I am planning too. :-)

Check them out!

I finally got the chance to put the pictures from our trip up. Check them out here.

We're Back!

Skye and I are back safe and sound from our camping adventure.  We both had a really good time and the weather was beautiful.  We arrived at the park on Saturday.  Did the usual: putting up the tent, getting organized, had a bite to eat, had a bonfire, took a walk around the campsite and watched the sunset on the beach.

On Sunday we did some hiking.  We went on two trails.  The first one was to see some beaver dams and a nice lookout ontop of a cliff.  It was very cool.  Skye particularly liked this trail because she seems to be a little bit intrigued by beavers as of late.  We had a snack at the lookout and then finished our first hike. 

We went for a ride in the car to get to our second destination, which I thought was going to be pretty short and it ended up being half an hour.  This trail entailed rapids.  This was my pick for the day.  It was called Whiskey Rapids.  So here we are trekking up and down hills, going through really tall grass-which was a little freaky-snakes!!  Thankfully we didn't run into any.  We finally reach rapids, it was a little bit funny because I wouldn't exactly call them rapids.  A little bit of rushing water over rocks.  Ok, so I guess they were but it wasn't exactly what I was expecting.  It was fun though. 

Later in the afternoon, we went to the beach.  Had fun swimming and then headed back to the campsite for dinner, a nice fire and some roasted marshmallows.

On Monday, we rented a canoe.  Spent a good part of the day on the water.  We went on the Ragged Falls canoe route.  We ended up at the bottom of the falls and climbed a little to have lunch.  We sat on a log as the water rushed below us.  It was pretty neat.  After much convincing, Skye and I climbed the rocks all the way to the top of the falls.  There was this swimming hole at the top.  So we hung out there for awhile.  Our shoes, socks and all our clothing got soaked, but it was so much fun.  Climbing down the rocks was a little bit easier, but still dangerous.  Skye actually hit her forehead on one of the rocks, not hard thankfully, but she was ok.  We even slipped on a rock into the water near the top of the falls, which was both scary and fun. 

Yesterday we just chilled at the campsite.  Went for a swim in Pog Lake, read a book and got invited to a neighbour's campsite for a bonfire.  It was nice and relaxing. 

Late last night it rained a bit, so we had to pack a wet tent.  But we are home now and I am so glad that I had such a great time with my daughter.  I am looking forward to do this again. 

So now I am quite exhausted.  Skye is playing and seems like she has all the energy in the world.  It's so great to be a kid.  I could probably go to bed right now and sleep all night.  Ok, probably not, but I'd like too. :-)

Pictures will be posted at my fotopage soon.  It's just I haven't upgraded to digital yet so I have to do it the old fashion way.  :-) 

Off to Algonquin!

As of tomorrow, Skye and I will be out of the city and putting up our tent in the beautiful Algonquin Provincial Park.  We are so excited.  I can hardly wait.  I just took a break from getting everything in order so I can update this thing.  We will not be back until Wednesday.  Yippee!  I love hiking and taking breathes of the beautiful clean air.  I am renting a canoe and will be teaching Skye how to maneuver one.  I also can't wait to see the awesome stars.  This all may seem funny to you but living where we do, it is rare to see a big cluster of stars.  Stars used to be my hobby.  I was fascinated with them.  I always love going up north, I can see them without my telescope.  Something which I have put away being so close to T.O.  I can say that the only thing I hate about camping is the bugs.  But I have learned how to deal with that.  :-)  Anyway, have a great weekend/week.  God bless you all. 

I can mark King Arthur off my checklist of summer movies!

Saw 'King Arthur' with Melissa tonight.  I was not expecting much because of all the gossip going around about it.  I love it when I go into movies not expecting much because I usually come away with a good sense of the movie.  Much more then if I was expecting all sorts of greatness and am let down.  I was not!  And it was a great movie.  I've always been a fan of King Arthur and Excalibur.  Actually I am more fascinated with Sir Lancelot's character then Arthur himself, who of course is also intriguing. 

Anyway, this movie was not your typical 'Arthur' story.  And I think that is why I liked it so much.  They did not have to put Guinevere in a slutty outfit but I seemed to enjoy her character in this movie.  She was a fighter.  She reminded me just a little bit of Joan of Arc.  Who really knows the legend and whether it is truth or myth but this movie had a little more realistic approach to the whole legend.  Don't get me wrong, I love legend too.  Other Arthur stories are great too.  Merlin, surprisingly didn't play a big roll though.  Which was a little disappointing.  Merlin is a big role in the 'legend' of King Arthur and his Knights.  I wish they would have did him a little more justice then they did.  But over all, the movie was great.  Good action, a little bit of romance (seriously, only a tiny bit), and it showed the humanness(is that even a word?) of King Arthur, some of his good deeds - which he is legend for.  Thumbs up on this one!

Is it a sin to work on Sundays?

I have a question.  Is it a sin to work on Sundays? 
 
When I was younger I worked every weekend.  But as I grew in life and in faith I always thought it was wrong to work on Sundays.  But then I was told that Jesus should be the temple of your life all seven days of the week and in reality that obviously doesn't only include Sundays.  So, as long as He is your focus every day of the week, then Sundays were just the same.  But I still refused to work on a Sunday.  Something inside me was still telling me it was wrong.  In the book of Genesis it states that God rested on the seventh day.  Are we not also suppose to rest on the Sabbath.  Which includes all work to be put off until the next day.  So, I guess I never fully stopped working on the Sabbath because I still always did housework.  And I have never worked a Sunday at the job which I currently have but today someone called me as they always do and for some unknown reason I said I would.  Now, I feel like you feel when you do something that you shouldn't do.  Except, is it wrong or is it just something that was drilled into me and as long as Jesus is your centre it doesn't matter? 
 
Signed confused.
 
 

A little update.

Wow, its been a little while since I wrote last.  I have just been a little busy, spending as much time with my little ones as possible.  See, my son left yesterday for two weeks.  He went on vacation with his dad to NFLD.  It was extremely heartbreaking to let him go.  Matthew was upset too.  He didn't really want to leave Mommy.  You don't understand how good and how sad that is.  So, now he is gone.  And God be with him and protect him please. 
 
My daughter is finished summer school.  I enrolled her in the Summer Literacy Camp for two weeks.  She is an excellent reader, she's probably above average, but I wanted to keep her a little fresh for her big jump into Grade 5 in September. 
 
Now, I am just getting ready for our big Mother/Daughter trip to Algonquin next Saturday.  I am very excited about it.  And as far as I can tell, so is Skye.  So, now I am taking extra shifts at work, doubling my work schedule to make up for the time I will be gone.  So, I am a bit tired.  But it will all be worth it when we get there.  Yippee!! 
 
So now I am going to grab a bite, run off to the gym and then head to work.  Have a great weekend everyone.
 
P.S.  I go away from blogger for one week and I come back and they added so many features.  When I have time it will be fun to play around in here.  :-)

Decision Making.

I was talking with Carlos about 'The butterfly effect'. We had a big conversation on the effect of decision making. It's like if I decide to go here instead of there, the effect it could have on my life. It's like God gives us paths and it's up to us which ones we venture on. And depending on which ones we chose could lead us to 'alternate endings'.

I went out with Jaime last night to Demetres for dessert after work. We talked about our current relationships or hopes of one. She is in a sticky situation because she has fallen for her best friend and although he loves her he is afraid to take it to the next level because he doesn't want to lose her. In my opinion, whether they go to the next level or not he still runs the risk of losing her. Why are we so afraid? Why don't we act on things instead of staying afraid and doing nothing?

It's funny because I was talking to her about this guy that I really like and I too am too afraid to act on it. I know why I am afraid. Rejection. I know it is better to know than to keep dreaming but fear has captured me and won't set me free. Maybe sometimes it is easier to not do anything. Because not doing anything doesn't risk you getting hurt but it risks something that could be great.

I could have done something last night but fear got ahold of me again. Jaime tried with her all, I think, to get me to make the slightest move and not until he left did I realize the potential of one little move. That is my problem too. I think of things after instead of in the moment. I am smart, I am just not very quick. Jaime did say that if she didn't know better, his body movements and just the way he was talking with me, sent signals that he does like me. I feel like I am grade school. I am just clueless. So, for now I will try to drop little hints and just let time run its course. If something is meant to be it will be. Which I only think is partly true because it is still up to you whether or not you act.

The before and after pic of my tattoo is up.

I finally got around to putting up a before and after picture of my tattoo. If you are at all interested to see the drastic improvement you can go check it out here. It is not the best thing in the world but it looks considerably better then it once did.

Spider-man 2

Last night I saw 'Spider-man 2' with Melissa. It was such a good movie. First of all I loved the first spidey movie but this one was better. It wasn't all out action. It went more in detail about the trials and responsibility of being who he(Peter/Spider-man) is. I really loved it. And it left me wanting more. I love it when a movie does that to me. The only other movie that I can think of off the top of my head that has left me wanting more was 'The lord of the rings'. Which I find funny because I am neither a fantasy or action movie freak. I do enjoy them but they are usually not my first choice.

And supposedly there is a rumour that M. Night Shyamalan is hoping to do a Superman movie. I think that would be awesome. I love his movies and he loves Superman. If it goes with the 'Smallville' story line it could turn out to be a great film, especially if they use Tom Welling. Chances of any of this happening is slim but a girl can dream. :-)

The dating game.

I went on a date tonight. I have never been fond of the dating game. I don't know. This guy was such a nice guy but there was just nothing there. The nice thing was I felt like I had known him for awhile and we were comfortable with each other but when there isn't any sort of spark at all, what do you do? It seemed like I was out grabbing a bite with a friend which is not a bad thing but not a good thing when you are looking for a potential something. I think he felt the same way, but then again it is so hard to read guys.

I just wish that you could meet someone, know they are the one and that is it. Does that actually happen? It would be so easy if it were like that. Maybe God has fun with us because nothing is easy. But then what would be the sense if you didn't have to work for it. In the end all the dating, all the frustrations, all the laughs, they have to be worth it. So, God can keep having is fun with me :-) because I'm in it for the long haul. The end 'prize'. I put prize in quotations because I don't literally mean prize I mean life partner, friend, lover....you get the picture. :-)

Happy Canada's Day!!

Canada Day was a lot of fun. Five of us went downtown Toronto to the Country Jamboree where my all time favourite country singer was performing. Actually, there were six singers, all from good ol' Canada. Two were up and coming stars with one or two songs that have been played on the radio and the best act was Paul Brandt. I absolutely totally love this guys music. I have four of his cds. It was totally awesome. The concert was free too. And I didn't have to pay for parking which seriously has been a first when venturing downtown. It was right on the beach and they had fireworks across the lake after the concert. This was probably the best Canada Day I've had.

Paul Brandt is a devoted Christian. And he broke out into the music industry approximately seven years or so ago. I have never seen him live until last night. He sounds amazing live. You know when you see a band or a singer and they sound better live then on a cd, and you think that it couldn't be possible because the cds are awesome. That was him. He is also a lot better looking close up then when I've seen pictures or tv appearances. I was impressed by his whole performance. It almost felt like he was playing just for you. How can you tell I totally enjoy his music, huh? ;-)

Anyway, we didn't get home until 11:30 or so. I can't wait to see him again live. Totally worth every penny. Happy Canada's Day everyone. I hope your day was as great as mine.

The Notebook

I just arrived home after watching 'The Notebook' with Jaime. When the movie was over, we looked at each other and both said at the same time 'That was amazing!' It truly was. I can not think of a greater love story. And believe me, I have watched many movies about love. I can't even really explain the movie either, it is just something that you have to see. It is beautiful.

I cried for happiness and I cried for sorrow. As did Jaime. We both wondered if love like that actually exists any more. More than anything, I want this kind of love. The kind, it seems can only be found in a book, which was turned into a movie. Jaime said that her grandparents had the most amazing love. You could see it in them at all times. Her grandmother said that they had old soul. She also said that in order to have that kind of love you have to look for someone who has old soul. She said you will find it, and there are men out there that have it, you just have to look. Seriously, where are they, because I've been looking.

I have old soul. I want old soul. I pray for this kind of love. I know God answers prayers, I have testified about it. This is the one I truly want with all my heart. Is there someone with old soul out there? Is God waiting for the right time to bring him my way? I sure hope so. For you and for me. And for those that have found it, God bless you.

Elementary School

The last day of school for Skye was today. She is going to a different school next year so I had to make an appearance in the school office to get her transfer papers. While I was in there I felt very weird. Do you remember when you were a kid and you had to go to the office. I never liked the office, even if it was to call home 'cause I was sick. I don't know, today all those feelings came back. I was talking to the secretary and I got so nervous. I did get everything I came for but it was too weird.

I remember the last day of school when I was in grade school. To us it seemed like the best day of the year with the exception of Christmas. We used to sing 'NO more pencils, no more books....'. YOU know the song and you are probably singing it as you read this. :-) We felt free, finally after having the same routine day in and day out. The only thing we missed were our friends. We used to write in notebooks to each other and pretend we were big kids, you know, getting signatures and writing nice things to each other like Have a great summer, or You have been such a great friend.... Well, as I approached Skye's class all the kids were crying. They were hugging the teacher and wouldn't let her go. There were about 10 or so, just crying. No one was singing, everyone was so sad to say goodbye. It was different. Skye was talking to her friend Adrian and getting his phone number to keep in touch over the summer, which I hope that she does. And as it was time to leave, she started to cry. I started to get teary. Wow, it was emotional. I felt silly having tears, but she did spend 3 years at the school and she was very upset about switching school. More upset then I ever thought she would be. As we walked out of the school. Skye seemed to know every teacher and they were all sad to see her go. She hugged each one and they had nothing but great comments to say about her. One teacher gave her a present for all her good work with Jacob (a mentally challenged child her age). She gives her all when he is around. It really makes me so proud to be her mom. Not only because of that but just because she is an inspiration. They say that kids look up to their parents, but she sure has taught me a lot too.

We left the school and I made her laugh and I promised her a McDonald's dinner. She'll be fine, and she'll meet new friends and she'll touch everyone she comes in contact with just like she did at her school. She was so worried about what if no one likes her at the new school. Truly, she has nothing to worry about. She is the greatest gift from God, even when she frustrates me. :-) Thank you Lord.

Great game tonight.

We had an awesome baseball game tonight. We mostly played in the rain and it went extra innings. We ended up winning 13-12. Woo Hoo!!

This weekend was nice. For my parents anniversary we took them to The Keg. Great dinner and great bill. Darcy actually was so very nice to pay for us all. It was a bit of a surprise but a nice one. Thank you Darcy.

For father's day we just had a nice dinner at home. Mom made it, so it wasn't actually from the kids. But I am getting tickets for my parents so see a show and hotel. They just haven't picked which one yet. My parents are getting ready to go to Atlantic City next week. My dad seems to be looking forward to it. Which is great because he doesn't seem to get excited about a lot of things these days.

Oh, and I updated my fotoblog if anyone is interested, here is the link. It just has some picks of my family at wonderland and a few from the wedding of Jen and Mark.

Lost for words in a 'billion' word society.

I am so lost for words. I haven't written in the past two weeks as I normally have and it's because I seriously have no clue what to write about. I could tell you that I am a bit peeved at work because people who work really hard and deserve shifts and time off etc... are not getting it but the ones who are dishonest and are lazy get whatever they want. Or I could tell you that I'm planning a skydiving trip. And maybe, just maybe I might white water raft this year finally. Or that my parents 33rd wedding anniversary is on Saturday. Or that Skye met Robert Munsch - he came to her school because a kid from Skye's Gr. 4 class won a Story Contest. Or that I played baseball in the rain and loved every minute of it. Or that my sister got the house that they wanted and are moving in at the end of the month. Or that my niece is out of the hospital and that she seems to be improving. Or that going to a spinning class almost killed me but wow it was awesome. Or that my fitness evaluation is tomorrow. Or that, I don't know. Whatever, I don't know what's come over me but I am seriously not in the mood to write and if I sit at the computer, I end up leaving because I'm either bored with it or don't really have anything or know what to share.

What's up with that?! :-)

I don't know what it is but I must be going crazy or something. For the last couple of Sundays, as soon as I step into church I get super emotional. I will start singing or something and I have to fight really hard not to cry. What is up with that?

This Sunday, we arrived a little late but when we got there, church was in full swing. I mean, we didn't have a typical service, we had intercession. There were lines all over the church for people to be prayed over. It was awesome. But before anyone even started to pray over my children or me I got this overwhelming sensation, and I swear if I wasn't fighting, I would have bawled. Now, I don't think its a bad thing to cry, and believe me I do my share of it but every single time I walk into that place, I swear its crazy. :-)

Maybe the Lord is working on something within me. That is always good. And I don't have to understand everything. I don't want to understand it all. It gets me excited, just knowing the Spirit is moving. Woo Hoo!! And it also helps to know that maybe I am not that crazy. :-)

On another note, I have baseball in just 2 and a half hours. Yippee.

It is indeed, an exciting start of the week.

Live like you were dying

He said I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came and stopped me on a dime
And I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
And talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit you when you get that kinda news?
Man what'd you do?

And he said
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper and I smoked sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
That most of the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden going fishing
Wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book
And I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again

And then,
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper and I smoked sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
What'd you do with it, what did you do with it
What did I do with it
What would I do with it?

Skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And then I loved deeper and I smoked sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flying
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

Receiving communion.

Church was really good yesterday. Not only did my mother join me again but we participated in the communion. Just in case you didn't know, I grew up Catholic and the Eucharist is a blessed sacrament. You can only participate if you have had your first communion. A big celebration that occurs in the first grade for most. I have always enjoyed getting communion. I have come to appreciate it more now that I am older, not old, older :-). I have never participated in the ritual in a Christian community before. I have heard about it but never actually seen it being done. It was definitely an experience. Very different than my Catholic upbringing but it really touched me this morning. As I was receiving both the blood and body I shed tears. It was a very emotional service for me. I don't know why but so many times I held back some tears. Some times I couldn't.

On another note, my friend Nadine visited. I haven't seen her since the Easter weekend. We chatted it up pretty good, caught up with the going-ons in our life, went for dinner, watched a movie and ended the night pretty late. I know I said I would be getting proper sleep, but there are always exceptions and she definitely qualifies as one.

Baseball is tonight, and my kids are joining me in the outing. I am so looking forward to it.

Finally!!

The gym that I signed up for in September, which is right across the street from my work, opened on Tuesday. Thursday was the first chance that I had to check it out. Wow, its pretty impressive. Because there are so many fitness evaluations to be done, I couldn't get an appt. until June 18. So, that sucks a bit but I still got to work out. I got a BMI done. Holy, that was not impressive. But it is not a discouragement it is an encouragement to do that much better. I have some fitness goals and I can't wait to achieve them. I love working out. I really don't know why I haven't done it more often, I feel so good, and I sleep that much better.

My lifestyle change as of yesterday: eat better, get proper sleep, workout often, and seperate time for the Lord. I really want to start treating my body better seeing as the body is the temple of The Holy Spirit.

----------------------------------------------------

Today I am very tired. I worked over 13hrs yesterday and worked out. I haven't seen my family since Thursday morning, so I was very excited to pick Skye up from school. Tonight is going to be a chill and rest night. Skye's already picked out the movie that we are watching after dinner. Although she has changed her mind twice already. :-)

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

I don't really have much to say tonight. Just a bit tired from working a split shift. While checking email I came across some good quotes. So, here they are:

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

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Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

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The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

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I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

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Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

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A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

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Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

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Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

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A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

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The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

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Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

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Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-

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Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

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I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

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If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-

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When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

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I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .. and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

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If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

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I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, today is my birthday. Last month I thought turning 28 would be like dying a horrible death but today and the few days leading up to my birthday I've been thinking that I was just a bit crazy to think such a thing. :-) It's not the end of the world, and it's not the end of anything. As always, your birthday comes and goes. There are just so many things that I want to do by the time I reach 30 and its a bit scary to know that I am now only two years away from reaching that point.

And I got a great present from the Ministry of Transportation. Not only do I have to get my license plate renewed at $72, but I also have to get my driver's license renewed, which is another $50. So, once again I thank the Government. Actually it's not that bad. It is a luxury to be able to drive and have a car so I am grateful.

Family is coming over today for dinner and cake. Life is good. God is good. Actually God is awesome, faithful, true, loving, merciful and kind. I couldn't ask for more.

Today at church.

I went to church today. I haven't been to church in over a month. My mom, Skye, Matthew and I went. I was surprised when I asked my mom if she'd like to go and she actually said yes. I didn't show her I was surprised but inside I was jumping for joy.

The worship time was so great. At first, I felt like laughing and then I felt like crying. It was awesome. I could feel the Spirit working. Awesome, I tell ya! Skye couldn't wait to go to the Flight Krew(children's ministry) and Matthew cried when he found out I wasn't staying with him in the Lion's Den(toddler area of Noah's Ark). So, for the rest of the service he hung out with Nana and Mommy.

When Skye came down from Flight Krew she was so happy. Her first question was 'Are we coming back next Sunday?' When I told her that we were she was literally jumping with arms raised. It was quite cute.

On our way home, I was listening to the kids play in the back of the car and they always play games and such. Today they wanted to play Jesus and then Peter Pan. Which is quite amazing seeing as they always want to play Peter Pan and Captain Hook. Jesus was first today. Yippee!!!

I am very much looking forward to church next Sunday.

St. Timothy

Skye has a research project she has to do for school. Judging by the title of this blog, you would have guessed right if you said it was on St. Timothy. So, while she was off doing her French homework, I figured I would help her by researching it on the net. There is so little that I found. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places or the wrong search engines but all that seems to come up on the subject are churches with the same name. I did get a little bit of a bio but I was hoping that there would be more. It is so frustrating sometimes, that is, research. Sometimes just going to the library makes more sense. Anybody know of a site or two on St. Timothy?

A trip with Skye.

I've decided where I am taking Skye this summer. I'm taking her on our first canoe trip. We will be heading to the great outdoors, Algonquin Provincial Park. I went there two years ago, and it is absolutely gorgeous. Most of the park has been untouched by man. Nature paradise. I want to have my daughter experience God in the raw of nature. To be awed by his creation. I am excited about this bonding trip with Skye and its less then two months away. :-)

Old couples.

I see old couples and I see my parents (who are not that old)but have been married 33 years come this June. These married couples have lived with each other for more years than I can imagine living with someone. Some still hold hands, some still look madly in love, some don't even sleep in the same bedrooms anymore. But living with someone for the better part of your life must be amazing, in both good and bad ways I'm sure. When one of them passes on, they must lose a big part of themselves.

(In case you are wondering what brought this on, both Randall's grandparents passed away within a few days of each other.)

I see my aunt Marie. She is pretty old. She is still her grumpy self. She lost her husband, my uncle, a few years ago now. She stayed at my house last week for the wedding and to look at her now is sad. Not only did she lose her husband of a billion years, which was a shock to all of us, but shortly after that she lost most of her sight, most of her hearing, and her toes on her left foot from diabetes. She sold her beautiful lake front property in the country that she had shared with her hubby since they moved out of Toronto in the 70's. She is a strong woman and I guess she refuses to let go. But I see the sadness in her, even though she tries to hide it. I feel it when she is around. I miss uncle George and I only saw him a few weeks out of the year, every year.

I have heard that some couples, after being together for so long, if they lose their other half they too soon die. I have been heart broken but I can never imagine losing the person that has completed my life for centuries. (Just so you know, I am talking about married couples who have been together for 30, 40, 50+ years) I couldn't even see my parents functioning properly without one another. It really does take both of them to complete each other. The bible says two become one. People try to change that meaning nowadays but it is true. The bible says it!

I just wish that I will one day find that one special person, that we can become one. And if after being with each other for centuries, if God permits, one of us should pass on, I would hope that God would take us together or really close in time, like Randall's grandparents. What's more beautiful then to die because of a broken heart. Ok, that's the Shakespeare, romantic woman brain that I have. :-)So, what?

Best features.

Last night I was on the net and ran into a survey about knowing oneself. I found that it wasn't so much about knowing yourself but it got me wondering what people actually do think of me.

One of the questions asked what I thought was my best feature. I thought for awhile and came up with my smile. I find it addictive. It's funny, because when I was in grade school, even in high school, I found myself hiding it with my hand all the time, I even used to hold in my laugh. Weird eh? Now, it seems that is all I ever do, that is, smile and laugh and no I don't hide it anymore. Laughter is addictive and being positive is contagious. Although I don't always seem so on my blog, nine times out of ten I am happy.

Anyway, I asked Rose, a girl I work with and talk with all the time, what she thought my best feature was and she totally blew me away. She said my heart. She said my heart and kindness shines through whenever I talk. I had never expected an answer like that but I was totally like wow, when she said that. I melted just a little bit.

I asked Kelly and she said my teeth. She said even before she was studying to be a dental hygienist she thought I had great teeth. She also said that I have an amazing attention span. She said that whenever I talk my eyes are only on those I am talking with or listening too. Owen said that it was my smile. He said it was warm.

They then started talking about my personality and they had nothing but good things to say. This is a relief as I think sometimes I am an ass. :-)

I also found it funny that when I asked some of the guys and girls a multiple choice question the guys always said the same thing and the girls always said the same thing but they were different answers. I think the question is silly and I think I have a little bit of everything in me and more. The question was Are you: energetic, outgoing, shy, mellow, funny or none of the above? The guys said shy. The girls said outgoing. I didn't realize that I acted differently around the opposite sex. Even the people that I hang with. I know that I have both in me I just didn't see myself actually acting different.

You know, you don't always care what people think about you but when you find out that most of it is in a positive light it brings a little joy to my heart.

Randall Friesen.

I just wanted to put out a prayer request for Randall Friesen. His grandfather just passed away, his grandmother is in the hospital because of a stroke, he has a big family, a church to run, one of his members is in the hospital battling cancer etc... He just has a lot to deal with right now and any prayers you can bring his way would be wonderful.

Southern Gospel

I went out with Melissa tonight. It was great to spend time with her. We went out for dinner at a new Thai restaurant. I don't think that I have tasted Thai before, she didn't think she had either. Besides me sending back my food (due to mushrooms) it was pretty good. I think I will go back, except next time I really hope they remember not to put mushrooms near me :-).

After dinner we went back to her place. We ended up renting a movie, 'The Fighting Temptations'. Now, it wasn't that great of a movie but Southern Gospel, WOW!!! It really moved me. I really wish that we were that enthusiastic in church as they are in the south. My father, when he did go to church back in the day, said that the church he and my mom attended was like that. Only the evening service was amazing gospel music so they only attended at night.

Does anyone know of a church in the GTA that has music that moves? A church I used to attend 'The Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship' has music that moves. Not gospel but just as good. I think I need to come back to life. Music moves the soul. And I'm feeling the 'itch' to be moved by the Spirit. If that even makes sense. God please move in me, stir my soul, make me have passion for you that I once had, make it stronger. I think its time to go back to TACF. Its been too long. It's funny but no matter what church I seem to attend, I always end up back at that one.

What I did when I was fifteen.

When I was fifteen years old I did something really stupid. I got a tattoo. At first I hid it from everyone and the only people who knew about it were my cousin (who was with me) and her mom. Eventually my sister saw it when I was getting out of the shower and one day while was she was getting in trouble, she ratted on me. It wasn't done very well and the tattoo artist didn't even have all the colours to fill it in. So, I have been stuck with this thing on my back for 12 years now. I decided that I either need to get it covered which costs over one thousand dollars or get it redone. My friend Jaime has an artist she goes to and she took me to see how much it would cost. Long story short: On Wednesday I got my tattoo redone for eighty dollars and it looks awesome. My back is hurting a bit today. It almost feels like I've pulled a muscle. But in about two weeks it should be completely healed.

Commenting with Blogger

OK, so I am using Blogger's commenting system and I just realized that you either have to be a blogger user or post anonymously. How stupid is that? It gives you three options when setting up comments: 1. Only registered users 2. Anyone 3. Only members of the blog can comment. Of course, I picked number 2 but just looking at the comments you still have to be a member of the blogger program or post anonymously. Who would want to post anonymously? And hello, not everyone wants to be a member of your web program. What is up with that? I don't know, maybe I should switch back to Haloscan. Only thing is, for some of the services that you get with Blogger you actually have to pay with Haloscan.

P.S. If anyone wishes to comment and they are not Blogger users please put your name at the bottom of your comment. Thank you in advance.

Baseball

I signed up for our work baseball team. I missed the first game, which was last week, but went to our second game tonight. I was a little apprehensive about joining because I haven't played ball since college and that was only an intramural league. I was fine while warming up and caught everything that came my way but when it was time to hit the field I got cold feet. We ended up losing but I am so glad that I joined. I had a lot of fun, much more then if I stayed home. I did much better than I had thought, which is always good. :-) And the co-workers who joined the team are all great people. I am looking forward to our game next Monday. I am predicting we will do much better because today a lot of my teammates were at a golf tourny all day and were quite exhausted, burned and just a little buzzed.

Jen and Mark's wedding!

I waited last minute on Friday to look for shoes to go with my outfit that I had bought for Saturday's wedding. I went to Square One, which is only the largest shopping mall in Ontario, and I did not come away with anything. I was exhausted and my feet were swollen from all the walking and going into every single shoe store we could find.

Luckily on Saturday morning I went to Heartland Centre. The first shoe store I entered, I found the shoes. It felt so good to finally be done and actually get something I liked but also frustrating because if I had just went there the day before I would have been set and without the headache.

And to top it off, I went to see 'Troy' at the theatre on Friday. Now 7 of us went and we were extremely excited to finally watch this film. Just as the movie previews were about to start the rolling stopped. 15min later the manager comes in and tells us that they were having problems with the projector and that the movie should be up and running in 15min. Only, another 15min later he comes in and says that the bulb will not work for the projector and he gave the packed theatre 2 courtesy passes to come and see it again and to see another film. It was good that we got free passes but we were so looking forward to seeing the film. Boo Woo!!

So, last night I went to Jen and Mark's wedding. And it was absolutely gorgeous. Her dress was one of the best dresses I had ever seen. And the hall was just beautifully decorated. It seemed that we all had an awesome time. It felt great to do some dancing and socializing with family member's I hadn't seen in a long while or had just met. Jen married an Irishman so you know with my family and the Irish it had to be fun. :-)

I will be posting pictures on my fotopage soon. So stay tuned.

Gardening..

When we moved into our new house back in December we found rose bushes in our front walkway. We didn't know that when spring hit and the snow went away that no one had taken care of the roses for what seemed like years. The whole area was covered with weeds. My mom asked my sister to help because she has a green thumb and both my mom and I do not. But after waiting weeks for Mary to help, my mom started pulling weeds today. I ended up taking over and finally after a hard days work, the garden looks rather nice.

I never realized how much work gardening is, until now, of course! But I actually like manual labour. It's rewarding. And the sun was shining. The weather was so beautiful today. It ended up reaching a high of 28 degrees Celsius. I guess I did pick a good day to take off work.

Except now Matthew is sick. He had a high fever this evening. When a three year old only wants to lie down and rest you know that there is something wrong. Hopefully he will sleep the whole night through.

I hope I will sleep well too, except every time I close my eyes all I see are weeds and bugs. ewwwww!! You really should have seen the size of some of those worms and potato bugs and what I think were beetles or looked just as gross!!

Changed my site.

I changed my site tonight. When I went to sign into Blogger, they had revamped the site. They added and changed some things. So, I checked some things out and liked some of the changes and ended up with this. I like it, for now. I am not 100% set on it. But who is when it comes to change. :-) Hope you like it as well. Let me know your opinion.

I also changed the comments from Haloscan because Blogger has a new option which includes sending me a message via email when I receive a comment. You had to pay for that feature in Haloscan.

Happy Mother's Day!

This weekend almost the whole family went up to my uncle's home in Walkerton, Ontario. I am sure everyone has heard of that place by now. It was my aunt's birthday and my uncle threw a surprise party for her. I missed the jump out and surprise part because I had to wait in the city to get Matthew from his dad, but I heard that she was so surprised and she cried. Its so great when one cries over joyous things. We had a great time. Matthew and Skye didn't want to come home. We stayed over night and came home today.

For mother's day, I took my children out for lunch. And my sister made my mom dinner. We were all up in Walkerton except my sister and her family so she started on dinner. Not long after we got home it was ready. Nice day overall. Thank you Mary for dinner. And Shannon, seeing as he really did most of the cooking. :-)

Happy Mother's Day to every Mom out there.

King Arthur

I have always been a huge fan of King Arthur and such and from the first day that I heard about this movie they already had me. But seeing this second, longer, trailer just makes me want to see it even more, if that were even possible. So, for all you King Arthur fans, or for those who should be, here is the link to see the trailer. Enjoy!

Leafs are out, Flames are rockin'!

Ok, so game 5 really truly sucked. But game 6 was intense. You can't say that they didn't have enough chances. The third period was quite awesome. Another near heart attack experience. But its all over. Boo Who!! But hope is not over for Canada. The Flames are rockin'. They played an awesome game last night. Won 1-0 in OT. So, now you will hear(read) me say(write) GO FLAMES GO!

Feeling much better.

Today is a much better day then the last few days. Wow, I don't know what came over me. Thank goodness I don't feel so bummed today. I guess, I hope, we all go through those days sometimes and I came to a boiling point. Getting it out on paper(computer) really does make me feel better. I am a writer and I can't always express myself out loud. Paper is my venting of choice. I know that my first step on the road of freedom and happiness is to rectify my relationship with the Lord. I must attend church and start reading my bible again. I went out and bought the bible on CD so hopefully I will not only be reading but also listening a lot more than I have been. I really need to find a set time and quiet place to spend quality time with the Lord. I have the weekend with my beautiful children and they really do make me shine. So we are off on an adventure and I hope you all have a great weekend. Especially since the Leafs kicked butt last night. 3-1. Woo Hoo!!!

I don't know why I am going to say the things I am, but I feel as though writing them might just help me just a little. I have been feeling this major urge to cry over the past few days. I feel as though so many things are building up inside me and I don't know what to do. I feel very lonely. I haven't had a relationship in two years and my birthday is in a month. I am going to turn 28 and you would think that if I were turning thirty I would panic. No, I am panicking now. I wanted so many things to happen before I turned thirty and as I look at my life I see nothing. I have two wonderful beautiful children who truly brighten up my life. Maybe I am greedy but I want more. Who would have thought that I would have two children, not be married and living at my parents house when I turned 28? I look at my job and think, what if someone I went to school with came in and saw me. Why do I care what others think because majority of the time I don't but I seem to be afraid of so many things. Do you know that I am so afraid of so many things that when I start something I don't finish it? I went to college because my whole life I wanted to be a police officer. All through college I had my ups and downs about it. My boyfriend didn't want me to be one, because of the risk factor. When I finished, actually I didn't even finish college. I still have one more stupid credit holding me back from my diploma. I tried to take a course online to finish it quickly and the professor didn't care that I couldn't get books even when I ordered them and he wouldn't give me a credit or allow me to drop the class. So my average of course dropped. I was so gung ho to finish and start my career but when that happened I thought maybe that was a sign. I also worked with cops and saw their home life and I didn't want that. So, I gave it up. Just like that. I still see it in my dad's eyes, maybe its failure or maybe its disappointment or maybe its the potential that he sees in me. And my boyfriend got so mad because I wasn't going to use my diploma. I guess he couldn't make up his mind either. And then he left me after being together for 6 yrs. Its been like, 4 years and you think it wouldn't hurt that he doesn't give a crap about you and you think you've gone on yet every now and then your heart just physically hurts. Like right now. You know I helped my cousin out because that's what I do, I help people whenever they need it and she hasn't called me once since. That just hurts. My closest friend is going through something right now and needs to be alone, or so she thinks and I haven't talked to her in two weeks or more.
I thought I was hearing from God that my pastor needs to move on and go somewhere to do something great. I think I am the one holding him back. So, I stop going to church thinking if I stay away maybe he'll just do what he has to do. I read on Mark's site today that you really have to discern what it is that you are hearing. I wonder if I was hearing God or just doing something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile now. I haven't even been to church in a month. That is probably why I feel like shit right now. Pardon my language. Then I read on someone else's site about body image. And its so true. Do you know that I wouldn't show my picture to someone for 2 years, because I was afraid of what they might think. And then when I finally did, I sent one that you could hardly see. How stupid is that, really? I am who I am. Do you know that I started this blog because I wanted some people to know me better. Luckily it has helped me know myself better.
I have been listening to a radio show talking about Job this past week and you think that it would help me to realize that all is good, at least I don't have to go through what he did. And if only I had that faith, if only. But no, its made me realize that I haven't been one hundred percent honest with myself. I hate that. I just want to be me. Why can't I finish things I've started. Sometimes I think its because I'm afraid of success or afraid I might fail. So I don't finish it. You know I applied to Culinary Arts 3 times, 3 and I got in every time. I didn't even go yet. Now that its close again I am having second thoughts. OR should I say quadruple thoughts.
Why do the people I care about don't care about me? Why do I have to be afraid of everything? Why do the people I want to be close to have to be so far away? Why do I have to be such a cry baby? I just want to be loved, I want to stop running. I know I haven't made the best decisions in my life. I know I've made life a little bit more difficult that it had to be. I know that and I am ok with that, I am just not so sure others will be. And from what it looks lately, the decisions I've made in my past will forever make the rest of my life just a little more difficult than it could have been. But I am working through them and I am strong, or at least that's what others think and what I keep telling myself. I know I will be fine and God will not abandon me. I know that if I keep praying He will guide me. Just sometimes it feels a little bit overbearing. Like today. So, maybe I will delete this, or maybe I won't but I am sure glad that the ones who tend to read this from time to time are the ones that I don't really know.

Change.

You know its time to move on when everyday that you get to work you wonder why you are there. Then you dread starting. Once you start you are fine but as it slows down you really want to be the first one out the door. Well, this is how I have been feeling for about a month now. On Saturday I was so bugged about being there that I said 'If anyone, mostly meaning the managers, piss me off or say something out of line, then I am just going to walk out." Ok, that is not how I respond to things and that is not the type of attitude I have. But lately, I really don't want to be there. I thought that maybe it was the favouritism for certain staff, or the way everyone talks at work(very dirty, very sinful), or how I see people move on, but I don't think it is any of that. All those things have been there from the beginning. I have loved the job from the start but I don't know anymore. Maybe I just need a change of scenery. I am also feeling that itch to head back to school. But that will not be for another umteen months. I have to work and God has blessed me with it so what's bothering me so much? A few people I work with feel the same way. Maybe it is the atmosphere. Maybe it has changed. I don't really think I've changed all that much but I do know I need a change.

I know I shouldn't be complaining because I am able to do so many things that others can't do. I have just been thinking about my life and my happiness. I can't do what I am doing for the rest of my life and I do have dreams of something bigger. Right now I feel I am in the waiting room of God's house, sitting there, waiting and waiting and waiting for Him to show me which way I should go. The waiting room sucks! But I did ask for patience, maybe this is part of it!! I just keep telling myself to remember Job's story.

A package in the mail for moi!

Little bit excited. My mom tells me I got a package in the mail today and that its from Quebec. She says maybe its movies. Me, being silly as I am, wonder why would Columbia House send movies from Quebec. Then when I got home I realized that they were the movies that Matthew was selling over at his site. This is so exciting!! And they came so quickly. Yippee!! I just love getting movies. And now I have just added five more to my collection. Thank you Matthew, for wanting to get rid of some. I just wish that I had gotten to your site sooner because I would have loved to buy some of the ones already sold.

A story at.....Scott's site.

Scott has this story on his site. It both touched me and made me think about a number of things. He makes some good points at the end. I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. So, here it is:

so you wanna be a ...mailman?
Tony Campolo, tells about a friend of his who made a career change. He says, "Some years ago, a friend of mine went to teach English literature at a state college. He was there for three weeks when he went into the dean's office to say that he was quitting.
"I'm not coming back next week, and I thought you ought to know," he said. The dean replied, "If you walk out on your contract, you're not going to teach here again. What's more, you won't teach anywhere, if I can help it."
Campolo goes on with the story, saying: After my friend left his job, his mother contacted me by phone and said I had to see him. She was sure he had gone crazy and hoped I could talk him into going back to his job.
I found my friend Charlie living in an attic apartment in Hamilton Square, New Jersey. I must admit that his apartment had a certain style: travel posters all over the walls, a good assortment of books scattered around the room, and the stereo playing a Wagnerian opera. I sat down in a beanbag chair that swallowed me up. After we exchanged niceties, I came to the point.
'What have you done?" I asked.
"I quit," said Charlie. "I walked out. I don't want to teach anymore. Every time I walked into that classroom, I died a little bit."
Campolo says: I could understand him. I'm a teacher, and I know what it's like to go into a class and pour out your heart to students, to let every nerve inside you tingle with the excitement of your most profound insights. I know what it's like to passionately share the struggles of your existence, to lay your soul bare in an attempt to communicate your deepest feelings. Then, when it's all over, some student in the back ofthe room raises his hand and says, "Do we have to know this stuff for the final?" (We have some teachers here who know that feeling! I'm sure Jesus must have experienced that plenty when He was teaching!)
Anyway, Campolo goes on, saying: It wasn't long before I realized that Charlie was not about to go back into the classroom, so I asked him what he was doing with himself these days. He said, "l'm a mailman."
Reaching back into the value system provided by the Protestant work ethic, I said to him, "Charlie, if you're going to be a mailman, be the best mailman in the world!"
He said, "But I'm a lonely mailman. Everybody else who delivers mail gets back to the post office by about two o'clock. I never get back until six."
"What takes you so long?"
"I visit," said Charlie. "You'd never believe how many lonely people there are on my route who had never been visited until I became a mailman. What's more, now I can't sleep at night."
"Why can't you sleep at night?"
Charlie cried, "Have you ever tried to sleep after drinking fifteen cups of coffee?"
Campolo says: As I sat and looked at my friend Charlie, I envied him. He was alive with the excitement that comes to a person doing something meaningful with his life. Because he moved from being a college professor to being a mailman, he has lost status. But what difference does that make? As Charlie invests himself significantly in the lives of other people, his is finding fulfillment in, as Scripture says in James 1:27, 'visiting orphans and widows in their distress."
Is he a role model? Let’s be honest… no way. Ya like all our mom’s are telling their kids – you know, you should quit school and become a mailman… no way, it’s a great story but we want our kids to emulate rich successful people. Every mom wants their kid to be a doctor right?
Here’s a question no one ever asks… why? Why the heck do they want their kid to be a doctor… to help people? That’s the standard answer but its crap. Tons of people help others more than doctors for a lot better reasons... and a lot less money.
It’s security, wealth, status… a lot of reasons.
When we think of role models who do you think of? Tiger Woods/Gretsky/ lady Di?
There is something wrong with a world that has to look to television to find role models/ or professional sports/ or royalty. It’s all wacked.

I find it interesting that so many of us buy into a cultural ideal of success without even questioning why. we succumb to this subtle warping of our minds till we are unable to see the world for what it is. Martin Buber said that there are really two worlds at work in our minds - the phenomenal and the numenal. The world that we perceive and the way that actually is.

i wonder if our radar gets so stunted by cultural morays that we become what we hate. we read the great works of religion and literature, hear the fabulous stories of warriors of long ago and wish we could emulate them... then settle for the thursday special at McDonalds. It's not that i have a problem with McDonalds (except as a food source), it's just that i know in my own life i want to take the path or least resistence, the "no pain great gain" option. I constantly get sucked into the world's molds of success and happiness, then wonder why I am neither...

A trip......Somewhere.

I just found out that Jason wants to take Matthew for 2 weeks in the summer and although I don't want him to be gone for so long I trust that he will be fine seeing as they did the same thing 2 years ago. This year they are going to a big family reunion in Newfoundland. I know Matthew will love it especially 'cause Jason's grandparents live on a farm. What's more exciting to a kid whose 3 besides horses and cows and chickens.

I will have Skye for two weeks all by ourselves and I was thinking I could take her on a trip, just the two of us. She really wants to fly in a plane, seeing as she has never done so. I told her not to worry because even I, at the lovely age of 27 still have not even been on a plane. So, where should we go? I was thinking of going some place tropical but its going to be really hot here. (Jason is taking Matthew during the last two weeks in July.) Then I thought maybe we could go camping, but that doesn't require a plane. Then I thought I could take her to BC to see the whales and the mountains. Then I thought maybe we could go to the NWT (but when I checked that out, it was extremely pricey. My problem with taking Skye somewhere is that Matthew misses out on whatever we chose to do. But then he is having his own fun, we shouldn't miss out on a mother/daughter bonding trip either. Do any of you have any ideas where we should head to?

4-1!

Did I tell ya, or what? Leafs won Game 7. 4-1. I do have to say that this was their best game yet. And Belfour, what do you say about Belfour. He is just awesome!! And Domi, he didn't get a goal but he sure deserved one. I guess an assist will do. :-) Anyway, they go on to the next round and go face to face with Philadelphia. They really need to step up their game if they want to kick some more butt. I should have bet you Scotty, it wasn't 3-0 but it sure was good. :-)

We will we will rock you, and we did!! Woo Hoo!!

GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO!

What do you do?

Have you ever let go of something, even when you didn't really want to? This weekend I let go of someone/s because I felt that I was holding them back. I have been praying about it and it seemed to me that God has something big in store for them and I was unintentionally holding them back. They stayed because I was there and they wanted to be there for me. I know they love me and I love them but I don't want to be the cause of them not moving forward in Christ because they feel 'obligated' or moved because I am in 'the picture'.

The scary thing is, I could be so wrong about what I am sensing from the Lord and I could have given up something that was good for me. I just felt that over the last little while, especially after one particular big event that they should be some place else and they were holding back and not fully listening to God because I was there. I don't ever want to be the person that holds anyone back from their true calling so I did what I thought was necessary and ended it. Oh God, I just pray I did the right thing and if not, please help me to correct it!!

About last night, in hockey news.

Just in case you are unsure: Calgary and Montreal move on to the next round in the playoffs. It was a good night for Canada. Hockey wise, anyway. Leafs kick Senators ass. Leafs move on to next round. :-) Ok, I jumped the gun, but that is what I will say tomorrow.

GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO! GO LEAFS GO!

Near heart attack last night!

So the Leafs are doing what they always do. That is, make us all have near heart attacks and drag the series into game 7. They seem to never want to make it easy on themselves or their fans. But the game rocked last night especially the first OT period. Tonight hockey fans are going to be in for a treat. Calgary vs. Vancouver and Boston vs. Montreal. Both games are on game 7 and are being played back to back. I'm so undecided in the C vs. V game but M has to win over B, although my dad wants B to win. :-P

Truthfully, I only care that the Leafs take the Senators down tomorrow. Can you hear it: We will, we will rock you!!!

GO LEAFS GO!!!!

Divorces.

I was flipping through the newspaper this morning and I got to the section titled 'Money'. There are not one but a few articles on divorce. One article stated that 31% of marriages in Ontario end in divorce. The same article tells you how to protect yourself financially and states that you should not only use your heart but your head when 'plunging' into marriage. There is also a guideline on what to do when you see the signs of the end.

I just find this to be ridiculous. You want to know why marriages fail: its because God isn't found. People care too much about themselves and not enough about others. The only question that comes to mind is 'Where is the Love?'. The love is with Jesus and if you forget about Him or just choose to not have Him in your life, you will never be happy with anyone or with yourself for that matter. Divorce happens because of sin. Sin in lustfulness, or you marry because of your lustfulness, or you become or always were too selfish, some just give up. Love is about good and bad times. There is no giving up in love. Could you imagine if God said 'I love you but you have disappointed me a little too much lately, you poor unfortunate soul. I give up on you.'

Bottom line is: You need God, without Him you can do nothing!!! But with Him you can do anything!!! Even mend that marriage that most would think is unmendable.

Here are two stories:

First story: A woman was in a physical adulterous relationship with a man in her church. Her husband was not Christian and was verbally not physically abusive to her about her faith. She and the other man discontinued their physical relationship and her 'Christian friends' counseled her to divorce her husband and marry the nice Christian man who loved her because God had called her to peace. The woman asked her pastor and he stated that God hates divorce because it tears people's spirits and covers them with violence (Mal 2:16). And according to the NT the Lord commands a wife not to depart from her husband, and if she does, she is not to marry again (ICor. 7:10-11). The woman mentally listened to the pastor but later he had heard that she had divorced her husband and married the other man. Basically she wanted permission from the pastor to finalize the decision she was already embracing. Her husband had not been unfaithful morally. She wanted a happy life based on selfish interests. The covenant they made with their mate was significant only when it didn't interfere with their own happiness.

Second story: A woman radiates the character of God. She had been married several years and she discovers that her husband was a homosexual. For ten years she lived an unspeakably difficult life. He was arrested for soliciting sex with an undercover policeman and their oldest son got the phone call that his dad was in jail. The woman prayed constantly for her husband. She asked the Lord if she should divorce. She had scriptural grounds for divorce. But she chose to stay and fight. After some time, her husband was gloriously set free and has been free for 15yrs. He is now a very compassionate senior pastor.

The first woman divorced her husband out of a belief that Jesus wanted her to have peace, yet the Word of God clearly showed God's will for her was to stay with him. The other actually had scriptural grounds to divorce, but she chose to lay down her own rights to fight for the life of her husband. Jesus laid down His rights to come to this earth and die for us!! It is up to us to decide if we want to be conformed into the image of Jesus or stay where you are and let God's image in you change.

Stories taken from ' A Heart Ablaze: Igniting a Passion for God' by John Bevere

Parent-teacher interviews.

Parent-teacher interviews were today. Shawn couldn't make it so Skye and I went. I think it went pretty well. We realize that Skye has organizational and time management problems. I think she has had them through out her school life. She seems to not be able to focus at school unless it has to do with music or art. Mostly because she loves doing those two things. She is an extremely smart girl and for the longest time I thought that she was just bored and then I thought maybe she might have a real problem. She was tested and she is totally fine and teachers say she is so bright. My problem is how do you motivate someone with so much potential to actually smarten up and do their work.

Last month she had two projects to hand in. I didn't even find out about them until two weeks after they were already due. Once I found that out she finished them quickly and she had fun doing them. I really hope that it helped her. Its sounds funny by me saying that but seriously, I think she didn't want to do them because she thought that they were stupid projects and wouldn't be any fun. She enjoyed them. One of the projects she had to do was on the Northwest Territories. She actually wants to go there now. So do I. It truly is beautiful. That will definitely be a vacationing spot for us in the future.

She actually gave me a heads up for a new project that is due in two weeks. Maybe she is coming around. Sometimes it just takes perserverance and making homework fun. I just pray that this was the turn around for her. She has too much potential to just waste it away because she'd rather be playing.

Better late then never!!

I'm a little bit late in hearing about this but I just checked out the new Spiderman 2 trailer. It gave me goose bumps. Its too cool.!! You really have to do yourself a favour and check it out. Awesome I tell you, awesome! You won't regret it!! Click here.

Every day is a good day.

It's a good day for so many reasons. Firstly the Leafs are playing their 4th game against the Senators tonight. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. The weather is in double digits. God has not given up on me. I'm struggling with a few things and I know He is in the process of helping me through them. My daughter managed to get her homework done without me being her shadow. :-) My son is extremely excited to go outside and ride his bike-which will happen within the hour. My mom has been attending church for the last few Sundays along with my sister. I saw a friend that I hadn't seen in over a year. Ok, well, they didn't all just happen today but I do realize that God is doing things in my life that at some point I had thought that maybe He just didn't want to answer. I am learning that God's time is not my time no matter how much I want it to be. His pace is very different then mine. I'm starting to learn patience. Now I do mean just starting, but it is a start. :-) I'm just happy. Happy is good.

I see this guy at work all the time and his life isn't so good right now. I don't think he has the Lord but somehow he always seems to be smiling and he is forever singing. He realizes that life is just what it is and he is content. I think we could all learn something from him: it's your frame of mind that determines what type of mood you are in. I learned that awhile ago and I seem to, at least on most days, be happy with who I am and what God has in store for me. Paul learned to be content and full of joy regardless of his circumstances - something we should all strive for. God is good!!

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. IICor12:9

Easter Sunday.

Today is the day that we as Christian's set out on our calendar to remember what it was that Jesus did for us and be thankful. I don't know why we do this. I do this every day. Why is it that we have to designate one day in the year for this. Should we not do this daily?

I am extremely grateful and so not worthy of His sacrifice but He did it anyway because He loves me. I really wish I could understand that kind of love. I thought that maybe I understood it a little especially being a parent knowing the love of a child, but after seeing 'The Passion of the Christ' and knowing that He could have stopped it any time and pressed on in love, it just baffles me. I've read it in the bible, I've seen it in movies and I still can't quite get a grip on how He loves me so. I only pray that I can love like that. All I have to say is wow and thank you ever so much.

Leafs win 2-0. Series tied 1-1!!

Last nights game was so good. I went to Jack Astor's with a friend that I haven't seen in over a year. I swear if you can't afford to go to the ACC or just can't seem to ever get tickets or live too far away go to a bar that has an awesome set up of TV's. The Jack Astor's we went too, if I turned right I was staring at 8 TV's and if I turned left I was staring at 10 and if I turned around I was staring at 3 big screen TV's. Plus they had two sets of TV's all over the bar. The atmosphere was great. It was as if I was at a game. Plus they won so that made it ten times better. Yippee!!

Like I said at the beginning of the post, I met up with a friend that I hadn't seen in over a year. We met in college and were best friends until just a few years ago when we both went through changes and moves and seemed to have lost touch. It's funny how that happens sometimes. We communicated over the phone, at first regularly and then it came down to every few months and then only on special occasions. I called her a few weeks ago and what is nice is that we have been talking a little more regularly since then. We decided to meet up and watch the Leafs kick butt and they did. I had a really great time. It was so nice to see her again. And I invited her over for Easter dinner. My family is looking so forward to seeing her again. I hope we keep in better touch this time around.

Just a little shout out to Melissa: I am praying for you. I hope you are feeling better. Happy Birthday!!!

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

So, this was the first movie that I watched since my great return from the fasting world. And let me tell you it was pretty good. Jim Carey was quite amazing. I always knew he could act even though I hated the Ace Ventura movies. Kate Winslet was very good as well. The story goes back and forth from the past to the present. It is about erasing the memory of a particular person or event. And although the concept is a little far fetched in the techno department there is a great lesson to be learned. Erasing some of your past is like erasing parts of yourself. And in the end, the good memories we have with the people that touch are lives are what we want to remember anyway. I'm giving away some of the movie here but once Joel (Carey) starts the procedure of erasing Clementine (Winslet) he realizes that there are just too many good memories with her and he wants so badly to keep them all. But can't. He was hurting so badly he wanted her erased, but realized that the pain of having her as a memory was more important that losing his whole existence with her.

Although I have been through some hard times I would never want to erase them. I can't say that I never wished that they didn't happen but when I look back I am glad that they did. They are what shaped the person I am today. I don't know where I would be without them. And I am sure glad to be the person I am.

The character Mary, played by Kirsten Dunst says this quote while they are in the midst of erasing Joel's (Carey) memory:

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

The sun is shining.

Yesterday played an interesting day on my heart. I felt something that I have not felt before. Its weird but my heart fluttered for a customer. But not just any customer, an older customer. I wish I could say he said all the right words or something but he didn't. Every time he said my name or asked me something I was dumbfounded. That has never happened. It was so weird. And he must have been about 40. I think I am going insane. :-) But I must admit it was nice to feel something again even if it was whacked. :-)

And today I was hit on by a group of good looking guys. One even offered to take me to a playoff game if he won tickets. (we have a contest that if you use your mastercard to pay for your meal you get two chances to win NHL playoff tickets.) And at another table a guy left his number on the table with a coupon to an AMC movie theatre. I don't know what is going on and I didn't do anything special to myself today. Actually, my hair was up and I wore that uniform that we all love to wear at BP. (sarcastically speaking)

I just find this all strange seeing as this never happens to me. But it was nice even if it doesn't happen again. And the sun is shining. I think I will take a nice walk this evening with my rugrats! :-)

A friend.

At the end of my last post I talked a tiny bit about an unidentified friend. I just wanted to say that she called today and we went out for about 5 hours. It was really nice to spend time with her. I think we both had a really nice time. She says that going out tonight made her feel better. I really hope it did. I will pray for her. Please pray for her too!!

For any that checked my blog weekly, sorry!

Sorry, I ended up using the computer time to help my daughter look up some stuff for a school project and didn't feel right using extra time updating.

Apology out of the way, I can officially say that the 40 day period is over for me. Yippee!! Traditionally it ends on midnight, Holy Saturday which is the night before Easter Sunday but traditionally the period only works on weekdays and I went straight through without taking 'breaks' on weekends. So, I am done!

I can watch movies and tv and do other stuff. Great english there, eh? Except today I found myself looking away from the tv. Maybe this was a good thing to give up. Seeing as we humans waste so much time being couch potatoes. Just ask my dad!! ;-)

The past two weeks have been a little difficult. Not for myself but for others around me. My good friend and cousin Pamela was going through some really hard times and I helped her as best as I knew how. Her parents won't really talk to me because I helped her but that is another story.

There was also some secret kept from someone I knew for a very long time. She came to me in confidence and asked some questions regarding it. Just so you know, it wasn't my secret and it was not my decision to keep it from her. She asked and I seemed to have been able to dodge them but I think I didn't do such a good job the last time she talked about it with me. She knows and I think it is all my fault. If the people keeping the secret from her find out I am afraid they will never speak to me again. I am serious. I never agreed with keeping the secret but I kept it out of respect and it was also not my place to say. Truthfully I was cornered but I guess that is no excuse. The secret lasted 23 years. I feel like a complete ass and idiot now.

I talked with my boss today and asked how his mom was doing. (she has been in the hospital for a little while now). He informs me that she passed away on Friday. I felt so bad, I almost cried as he held it together. I wanted to hug him but I didn't. Why do we always hold back? Why can't we just be human and emotional when called for?

And I just got off the phone with, I would say my closest friend right now, and she seems to be going through something and doesn't want to talk. Which is totally fine seeing as everyone goes through things in their own way. Except she seemed to not want to talk to me, specifically. I don't know. Did I do something? I am thinking its not about me and I know its not but I just talked to her on Friday and now she has taken a leave from her work and doesn't want to talk. Space, she needs her space. I will respect her, I will leave her. But if you are reading this, know that I am always here if you need me.

Just over two weeks to go.

This week has been a little stale, maybe not stale but whatever!! I feel the power of the Lord pressing on in me. I feel His presence all around me. I also feel confused. I have been wanting certain things to come to pass and I think the Lord is purposefully waiting. I sometimes feel as though I get a little taste and then He takes it from me almost just as fast. Maybe these things were never even mine to begin with. Truthfully, they were not mine I just wished that they were. I have to continuously remember that God is in control and when He deems it is my time then, it will be. I know that if I desire Him first He will give me the desires of my own heart.

How come it is so hard to trust sometimes? I have tried trusting man and that proves itself over and over that they can't be trusted. I know that there are good people out there. I just know my past and I know what has happened when I had finally trusted someone. I always seem to be the one to get hurt. God is different!! I know that on an intellectual level and yet when push comes to shove I can't seem to get it stuck in my heart. God will not abandon me! Even when it appeared as though He abandoned Job, or Joseph, or Jeremiah and so on... He didn't. IT is the waiting period which eats at me. I ask for patience. Maybe that wasn't a good idea. But I asked any way. Time sucks!! It feels as though it is passing way to quickly and not enough things are happening. I just got to keep telling myself to trust in the Lord, He knows what He is doing, and if something works out it was because it was suppose to and if it doesn't then it wasn't suppose to be.

If you find it in your heart, I ask for your prayers. Any prayer is a good prayer. While I pray, I will pray for you too!!

The third week........

I can't lie. This week has been a little hard. Last weekend, because I was so in His glory, I had prayed about giving up more things. I was ready to sacrifice things that most people would think I was crazy for. I prayed for strength etc,.. But I think I overdid myself. At first it seemed like it would be, I don't want to say easy, but not so difficult. But by the end of the week heading into the weekend I had given up so much and was feeling burdened. Now being burdened is not the end of the world but this Lenten season I had already given up 5 separate things and then I added a really really big one last Sunday. I just couldn't do it. I am going strong in the 5 things that I gave up at the start of lent. And really it isn't too bad, it was the big one I added that I just couldn't do.

I find it funny because I know I could do it if I just trust totally in the Lord. And I have been for the other things but for this one, I guess I made my plate over flow. I will do it. I think I will just concentrate on my other sacrifices this time. And when I believe that I am ready, I will try to sacrifice the 'big' thing. I find it sad that I can't put that much faith in the Lord. But I think moreso, I can't put that much faith in myself.

So this week has been a little bit of a faith struggle. Within myself and in the Lord. The Lord is Good and I know he is here for me. I just need to put more trust and faith into Him. I need to put all my worries and burdens on Him. Its just that in life I don't even like to burden others so I feel as though why burden the Almighty. But I know that is what He wants us to do.

Anyway, everyone have an awesome week. Look forward to hearing from you. God bless you!!

Two weeks and counting...

It's been two weeks without the boob tube. It really hasn't bothered me. Although today I was really craving to watch an awesome movie. Mostly, I miss going out and buying a movie. But you know what? I am really getting somewhere with God. I like this sacrificing thing so much that I talked with God and gave up even more things. It won't be the whole 40 day thing but its definitely a sacrifice worth every penny.

You know what is so great about God: He is always there for you, listening, watching, waiting. It is so comforting to know that He is always there when needed. How many of us can say that about other people. I know my family will always be there but even when they can't be, He is!!

My only words to contribute this week is God is Great. I actually think I said the same thing last week, but I feel it. I really feel it in my bones. God is truly amazing!!